Pranks and Fakes, but not a lotta Thanks

Me and Katch...conference wknd.

Kieser and I short-sheeting the Bishop's bed!

One of my students got a little 'trick' from her teacher for talking out! Love that little blondie!

My 'trick' for Katch

The truth about Lindsey

A little 'BenGay' for the Bish

And a little wrap for the Samuelians!

April has always been my most favoritest month! I always pictured myself getting hitched in the springy month - but year after year it comes and goes and I'm kinda over that now. How bout I get married whenever the freaking man finds me. But now I really obsess over April because of it's prankful charm!

I stretch out my giggles all month long and find any and every reason to make someone wonder about my motives and intentions of daily actions. Yesterday I am proud to announce that I had a decent April Fool's Day. Being a teacher I was excited to include my students in a bit of educational excitement. With their desks facing the back wall, their behavior sticks on BLACK (that's bad!), and a few made up bits and pieces - they were thinking it was a pretty funny day. I felt inclined to spray them with silly string any time they misbehaved....(for some reason, they were more anxious to speak out than usual?!). We learned how to 'short sheet' a bed, and they were disgusted when my skin started falling off the palm of my hand because of some contagious disease. They got a kick out of my letting them put some glue on their hands and then peeling it off. I mos def love my job when I get to laugh right along with my students!

On my way home I cracked up all the way to Katie Hatch's hair salon. I was so excited to write some sort of message on her little blue bug. On the many I thought of. But the best piece of white trash I could come up with was, "Honk if yer Horny" on one side and "I'm Single - Call Me (# included)" on the other side. I knew she'd get a laugh or two out of it - and I surely got a stomach work out over it. Well - knowing she didn't get off work till later I made a friend or two drive down so at least another person could see it. They called and told me they didn't see anything...I was perplexed. Well, later when Katch (Katie Hatch) got off work she called to meet up for running and didn't say a THING!!! I eventually had to bring it up to her (sooo not fun when only YOU can laugh at the tricks!) and she said their was sometimes another blue bug down where she parks and I must've done it on the wrong car. Hmmmm...that bites! Everyone thought that was hilarious that I tagged the wrong car! But....sneaky little Katch....she tells me eventually that the joke was really on me. I had done it to her car - she'd washed it off as soon as some tattle-tell told her about it. BaaHummBugg to them! Whatever...I got a kick out of it!

Such a kick out of it, that I used my remaining car marking pen to spice up Lindsey's car. :) Once at my mom's house I plastered the toilet seats with 'Icy-Hot' for an unsuspecting victim to land their bootie right upon it! Calin my niece, who I regulate on year after year came in asking my what I didn't do anything for April Fools to the family. I claimed forgetfulness, and then grinned with great satisfaction when she screamed as she sat on the toliet. The rest of the day she proceeded to complain about her 'numb, cold, and minty smelling bootie'!

Calin was anxious to get me back and soon enough I saw her wrapping my car up in cellophane. Pounding on the window for her to stop I quickly grabbed my newest secret weapon of "SWACK" (a lovely perfume that literally smells like sweaty bootie crack...not that I have any idea how that smells....but my imagination is pretty vivid!!) spray and chased her as I doused her hair with it. It was difficult for me to attack her because I was wetting my pants hysterically laughing - especially when she all of a sudden stopped and yelled...."WHAT IS THAT?" And then I had to be careful to make sure the wind didn't carry the stench over to myself! She was gagging and rushed inside to jump in the shower.

I literally have never smelt something so repulsive in ALL my life!!! My entire family was laughing sooo hard about the attack on Calin! Keeping in mind that only a few years ago I convinced her to go on a walk with Skylar and I wearing a certain sweatshirt. Just out of the house she realized why Skylar and I couldn't keep a straight face. As she put her hands inside her pockets and felt something unfamiliar - we watched her pull out the mystery objects in her hands only to realize it was the 'elimination' of our dog!!! She was FURIOUS!!! We again were HYSTERICAL!!! I'll admit to one thing...Calin is a total sport! I'm anxious to hear how school went today when she finally realizes there is a very dirty diaper (thank you Scout) in her backpack. (Don't ask my why 'potty humor' seems to be a hit for us Ures....much to mama's chagrin...)

I continued to do a bit here and there to occupy myself the rest of the day. Dipping toothbrushes in salt, short-sheeting some beds, and cranking on a few calls. All in good fun - especially when I hear from Lindsey today about her car smelling of SWACK! Ohhh do I love the month of April!!! I do I do I do!

P.S.: I had to extend the fun to our wards conference weekend up in Utah. It was time I got to know the new Bishopric on a more deep and personal level!!! Succeed I did!!!

I feel like I should stay home more...maybe...

Aubs, Me, Katie Hatch
Bull Riding Babes

Brandon, Kieser, Aubs, Me, Poo-la, Summer
Hatch, Alice

Us prudish Mormons got X'ed!

This the creepy guy that payed our way...and who I gave Aub's number to!

Aubs went first to show us how it's done.

Umm...yeah so I thought I could just jump on - no prob....perhaps not!

Uh-oh...best watch out everyone!

Especially you Poo-la! She wanted to kill me when I would grab her anytime she was near.

Fisters

Sweaty Fisters

Talented Fister and lazy Fister

Alice, Me, Poo-la, and left out Kieser

"Besties"

Me, and Rick...in TJ...at the dentist

Oopps...the waves were a little big perhaps?

What a good sport Rick was!

Waiting for the new arrival

Yeah.... I was intrigued and went wherever the heck I wanted! What a miracle having a baby is! I can hardly wait!!

We were all in tears!

Navy and Auntie Bella

Navy Skye Denison!

This is feeling really weird not chillaxin' at my house all day long on the weekends. Is it possible that I really actually have taken my mothers advice to 'get a life.' That poor women goes to bed for a week if I'm PMS'ing and have a bad day and then tearfully tell her about it. So - in hopes of preserving my Mammie's sanity and my own pride - I pretty much just had a weekend where I was out doing something everyday. (Like I said....it's kinda of weird and new...so this weekend I'm sooo staying home!) It's probably cause I finally joined FaceBook. That thing kind of makes you be social I hear.

So first....last Friday night I went up to LA with some friends to a dueling piano bar. Sounds fun right??? - Yeah, I guess the anticipation of it was great. Within the first literal 10 seconds of being there I heard more crass and cussed up language then a bunch of self loathing middle schoolers! There we were...a bunch of Mormons with our mouths hanging open in disgust - all the while the entire place is filled with people no doubt making their memories of a lifetime. Well, I hustled my way up to the door and said as demurely as possible, "Sir...we came all the way up from Orange County and have been so excited to see this show. But...we had no idea it would be this dirty and we're a bunch of prudish Mormons - so do you think we could get our money back knowing we just walked in? I know - we're lame - we just didn't know." They all looked at me like I was crazy. I gotta say it was pretty classic as they "X"ed our stamped hands and sent us off with our reimbursements.

Well - not to worry we found ourselves other things to entertain. The bull riding was my highlight for sure. Not to mention I was the official champion and never got bucked off. I charmed the pants off some creepy guy (yeah...real claim to fame right??? - Like that's hard to do!!) and he bought bull ride tickets for all of us. I paid him back with Aubrey's phone number. In fact - everyone got free digits that night. Aub's is a good sport I'll have to say!

Saturday night there was a YSA ice skating thing in Anaheim. So off a few of us went. Other than the splits that Alice forced me into (note: I cannot do the splits!) while spinning me around - I hardly even fell. I did realize however - it is most definitely not the event I should ever try to be at to impress a boy. Graceful I was not!...demure I was far from! I couldn't help it - all of a sudden I'd hear myself and realize that not only was I sooo loud and falling the whole time, it's like I never shut my mouth! That'll drive a boy crazy...that'd drive me crazy!

For Sunday I told some of the girls it's time to liven Sacrament meeting up with a new theme each week. This first official week was one doused with RED. Of course my girl Poo-la came through...and a touch of red here and there also showed up. This week I've decided it's 'business casual' - Hey...if you don't have a boy to get cute for then get cute for the ladies right??

And then came Monday... the day my mother prayed the pepper spray would never leave my hands. (Yeah...got it for Christmas.) On good recommendation I went to a dentist in TJ! My tooth has been killing me lately and it was time to get it fixed. The cheapskate that I am - I was not looking forward to some pricey bill for a lame root canal. Well...guess what! My great Dr. in TJ said I didn't even need a root canal and gave me a $50 filling and sent me on my way in less than an hour! Now that's the way to go to the dentist! It was a little ghetto I'll admit- but I would happily recommend him to anyone. My friend Rick Price was nice enough to go with me and rescue me if anything were to happen. Unfortunately I wish I could have done the rescuing as he broke his board surfing and had his car quit on him on the way home. I was feelin' real bad!

Saving the best for last.... Tuesday the newest love of my life was born! Navy Skye Denison! Oh is she gorgeous! She looks just like her big brother and will no doubt be obsessed with me as well! I have a feeling she'll keep me home more and my social calendar will be filled with dates with the little one!

So there's my crazy and busy weekend. We'll see if that ever happens again! Cause frankly...I'm pooped!

A little 'white trash' can be HOT!

Just Jason, Pure Denim Poo-la, Bearded Ballerina Brad, Jackhammer Josh, Trashy Tristen, Divine (as in Jewishyly) Devin, and Parted-hair Peter

Ohh Yeah!!!  We got fur coats, short skirts, flannel to the max, nasty facial hair galore, trucker hats, and a denim shirt to make this Monster moment magical!

Mama paid me $20 bucks to stop this dirty habit...but the jerky chew brought it all right back!

Josh, Poola, Me, Aubs

Just a little bubble gum Mama...don't you worry your precious little heart!

But if lung cancer was 'in'....we would soo be in the popular crowd!

If snappin' into a "Slim Jim" ain't W.T. to the max - then I just don't know what is!

I discovered this to be ohh so true right before my mission. I was out in Minnesota on a nannying job for the summer. The neighbor girl would take me out on the town some nights. When we were filling up on a little ice cream at the dairy farm, this hot little tanner than tan blondie walked right in and peeked my interest.

Well much to my surprise he was at the local party the next night. Oh and was he flirty and fun! We all decided that we'd take the boat out to a little remote island and have a bonfire. This boy was so white trash... - he even kissed me while he had smoke from his cigarette in his mouth. Yes - I was disgusted, but oddly attracted all the same. We went for a walk and ended up rollin' around on the beach. Many a time I had to remind him that he wasn't allowed to even come close to puttin his hands anywhere but on my back! He'd laugh and say, "Wow - I've never made out with a Mormon before." Well - glad to be the first for you ehh?

The family I nannied for had known of this boy for years and could not believe I would let his lips touch mine. Honestly neither can I really - I mean this guy was d-u-m-b, the comments he would make were unbelievable! But this whole experience has truly led me to believe that yes indeed a little white trash can be oh so very very hot!

So last weekend a few of us put forth our best efforts to be nasty, white trash, and maybe a little bit hot (ok- so the fishnets totally took away any hot abilities I know!) "GraveDigger" groupies at the Anaheim Monster Jam. I didn't leave with any new numbers - but I can't imagine we didn't give 'em all something to think about!!

p.s. - My mother is appalled that I would post this to my blog.  Ahh well...what do I care - I ain't got no secrets...welcome to my life...the good, the bad, the very un-classy too!  xoxo!

Lions and Tigers, BIG BEAR! Oh my!!!

The big 'ol Big Bear group

Yeah...that's the graceful lookin' champ!


(decided to delete this one;)


Oh wait...how did this pic. get in here? I bet you can guess!!! Now why in the world would I want everyone to see my great posing abilities right before I head in the water to do some bobbin'? Just an example of what NOT TO DO WHEN YOU'RE MY FRIEND!

But I gotta tell you...the bobbin' was fun!

Ummm...so my swimsuit is a little too tight - yeah I get it ok. But it was the 4th and I just gotta wear it! Go red hearts, white, and blue!

Some of us worked on our base coat at Salt Creek before the real party started.

Tessa, Alice, Me, Kieser

Now here's a great example of what I DO NOT DO.

This is where we ended up watching the lovely show of sparkles in the air!

Ohh to be young and prance around in your bathing suit...wasn't it grand?!!! I say was cause it sure ain't how I feel now! (Let me hear a "You can say that again Tris!") Who knows, maybe I'm the only one that not only has a sun phobia (Oh wait...if you look at any of the pictures with Steve or Mark...they apparently do as well!) but would also rather be in some shorts and a tank getting down and dirty rather than wondering what boob is going to bust out next.
Not to mention their always seems to be some sneaky little girl with her camera ready to record my PERSONAL physical history when I'd rather have a faked out photoshoped montage created for my posterity (and the rest of the judging world!) Yeah...sometimes I like to say to those that can't seem to get enough of me, "Hey take a picture...it lasts longer." But in this case...please stare...stare all the freak you want, but you best not bring out that freaking camera!!! What part of, "please don't take a picture of me in my bathing suit" don't they understand? It was like every other second they had to be reminded, when it would kind of be less of an attention grabber if they could remember my words of advice when I told it to them privately. But no....even at one point some lovely 'friend' (it seriously makes me question that!) yelled to the big group standing nearby, "Well, don't take a picture of Tristen cause she doesn't want one while she's in her bathing suit!" -Is she for real??? Was that necessary in the least bit??? Yeah...let me answer that for you... NO - it sure as heck wasn't!
Other than those horrible, and recorded memories (yeah...someone even got a few video clips of me showing my graceful abilities standing on the kayak) there were a few other highs of the weekends. (First Big Bear, and the next weekend was the 4th of July, can't wait to see what strip down this weekend requires!) So a few of us in the SC5 Singles ward headed off to a Katie Kieser retreat up in the mountains anticipating a good 'ol time.
And I gotta say the highlight for me was a few rounds of the envelope game. My specialty of course! Now obviously it's a game bursting with humor..mainly if you're able to laugh at yourself. Cause if you're not....then I'm first going to try and teach you how, and if that doesn't work then I'm going to politely ask you to go to bed and leave us mellow folk to ourselves. So with my 20 warnings of, "Now no one get offended - it's just a game. We know we all like each other so let's not take anything personal! Just find the humor in it and you'll love the game" we began.
The general idea of the game is for everyone to write a question on an envelope that can be answered with the name of someone within the group. We pass all the envelopes around the circle till everyone has had a chance to write an answer on a little piece of paper and stick it in the envelope. Then we go around reading one at a time the envelope question and all the responses inside it.
So the first round is always a little mellow cause the players don't quite get the gist of it. You get people writing boring questions like, "Who will travel the most in their lifetime in this group?" B-O-R-I-N-G!!! But of course I don't know how to write a boring question...nor do I know how to give a one worded boring answer! So believe me that the first round did have a few highlights. I mean...I guess I'll take the lead and get right to the good stuff with a group of 20-something single LDS adults.
So we threw in a little bit of, "Who do you want to kiss before the weekend is over?" (Dusty Monroe may have taken the cake on that one...and oh did his face redden! Not to mention he for sure was planning his moves after knowing the desire he created amongst us...yeah and apparently it wasn't just us ladies that were making a secret invitation!) We saw a few of, "Who's most likely to get married in this group?"(Yeah I believe I heard a 'Help that women - hopefully Tristen. This has just gotta to be her year!' and maybe even a 'Mark Scheif.? Nah...he'll play the mysterious wanted man a few more years. That boy loves breaking hearts too much." )
By round 2 we had taken it to the next level and everyone was in for the fun. Questions like: "Who's most likely to beat their children?" (Alice and her 9 little chiquitos she wants won that one for sure. But it was mentioned that she'd try to beat 'em -but by the age of 5 they'd all be bigger and stronger than her and they'd easily be able to toss her around instead.) Or how about this one, "If you were stranded on a desert island who would you want to be stuck with?" (My fav. was, 'Tristen...cause after 3 days with that girl I'd be motivated to swim for it!' ....ummmm...hello? I'd for sure be so fun to be stranded with. We could play a version of the envelope game and 'who would you rather' and maybe a little titch of '7 minutes in Heaven...Jungle style!', all day long into the lonely (or not so lonely) nights!!! - another favorite response to that question was, 'Steve, cause eventually I know a plane would come and rescue us.' Classic!!!) Another classic was, "Who's likely to be the first one to make a million?" (Many argued that Steve probably already had...i yi yi - but I will have to say Aubrey is a great sport and she proved it when my response was read aloud; 'I don't know - but whoever it is Aubrey will find out and marry them asap!')
I wish I could remember more - because we were all laughing a LOT for those 2 long rounds. And I'm happy to announce that no one left the room in a temper tantrum hating us all! Thank goodness!!! It was pretty funny when Dusty came up to me after the game and said, "Hey Tristen - you know all those really mean answers about you? They were all from me cause I knew you could handle it." Oh flattered I am, also impressed with his sassy wit directed at me as well as a few others.
It was a great weekend with tubing...I'm the ultimate champion!!!, basking in the sun, watching Steve apply 30spf at least 17 times throughout the day, looking at the stars as we all coozied on the doc, and eating together enjoying everyone's company.
The 4th was a hit as well at the Shazy's. Steve's mom was quite the hostess with her meals galore and his dad did a great job of chaperoning the 15 year olds. ( I was soo reminded of annoying my older siblings as I watched the youngest - Courtney - be a sassy little firecracker. Classic!)
So...I've already learned great lessons this summer. I think most of all the lesson of looking fab in a one piece! Alright...I'm on it. Get your dumb little cameras ready girls!


p.s.: Yo dudes..don't make me feel any dumber by leaving me gay comments like, "Oh Tristen...your not fat..you look so great in your bathing suit!" Come on now...I can't be handling none of that. I'm not fishing for any compliments...just wanna help you smile a bit at my expense.

We're going to turn somethin real UGLY (#'s) into something REAL nice for everyone!

So it's soon to be the eve of my birth.
What to you -will the celebrate be worth?
An iPod, a Date, or maybe the surprise "goodie" bag
will be enough to entice you not to lag

Entries will be taken and posted here
Please submit them via-email and then soon they'll appear.
For all to view, giggle, and commenorate
on what's come of my leaving the age of 28!~

That's right...it's true another year single is about to be through
But this August 8th - ain't going to hear no 'boo-hoos'
cause I ain't scared of loosing my eggs
they're going to live long and prosper till they meet up with the ones from daddy's little head.

So help me turn this nightmare of numbers into an actual joyous occasion
I'm opening up my life for your personl invasion
to dig down deep and call on your gangster soul
(caue you know we all gots a little choc. chip in our blood. As a treat to me on this 29th birthday of mine...dig deep and use it in my behalf!)
join 'Tristen Ure's turning 29 rap contest' just enroll!!!

Make it good, make it funny, roast me for all I care
but if it's boring and blah...post I will not dare!
I will pick a winner by my celebrated day
then read (preferably rap) what our peeps have got to say!

That's all a girl could ask for when she's single and reaching 30
A moment of lyrical genius that might get a little dirty
I'm giving you the chance to bring forth the ghetto you've hid
and show the world how you'd roll if mamma had borned you black like Snoops did.

It's my birthday...I'll cry if I want to...cry if I want to...cry if I want to
But pretty much I'd rather just throw down poolside with some home made raps all about me! Now that's my kind of 29th year celebration!!! Make it good cause the prizes mentioned above are going to be pretty sweet. And don't be assuming they'll be all gay cause I quit my job - I gots some money...and if don't...I know where my mama stores the goods! So get to work - I want masterpieces!!!

email submissions to; tristenure@mac.com

Cracks in My Foundation

Nancy, Brock, Greg, and then me...pointing out my jokes!

Soul Sister...Better get yo' Flo Sista'

The Lyrical Genius herself!

We got pretty close right...?

Let's play, "where have you seen that handsome face..."
...Barney you say???....you know it!

So Kate Nash...if you haven't heard of her - it's time you did! I've been quoted to have before called her a "lyrical genius" and I'll stay true to my claim. She's a singer/songwriter from across the ocean and happened to be in town last week. Now - I'm not a girl that's been to very many concerts..shows..whatever you want to call them. Not that I am not obsessed with the thought - but I've realized that unless I have some sweet seats, some VIP status, or in this case the ability to sneak darn close to the front - I can just as well listen and watch them on MTV with the same effect. (Although, I can't even really do that cause I don't have MTV...you know...too many things to covet smeared up all in my face. (namely the ability to procreate...if you know what I mean)- Gotta try to keep myself grounded!)

But Brock...who is quick to humor me (even if he regrets it the next day...oopps) took care of business and made my encounter with a lyrical genius a reality. So last week Brock, Tessa, Josh and I made our way up to LA. I'll have to admit I was the only REAL fan out of the 4 of us - but was excited nevertheless.

I'll have to admit I was a bit exhausted for the first little bit. I mean - in case you weren't aware I'm officially out of my "hobby phase" and back into real life. I have a new job to even prove it. No more Apple Store bathroom timeouts for me...thank you very much. This job actually has a REAL paycheck and I have to do REAL work. We'll see if I can keep the two in sync.

So for the first little bit I was just taking in the atmosphere and awaiting the arrival of the British red head to come on stage. We went upstairs and did a bit of people watching. Which, I will have to say is my favorite activity...in LA especially. The stories I get to hear from these randoms I meet keeps me entertained for hours.

On this night in LA - it was the duo of Greg and Nancy that kept me giggling all night long. They were both in LA living the dream...auditioning by day and cleaning tables by night. Actually Nancy had recently quit her gig of being #34 suitcase gal on "Deal or No Deal" - and Greg is the PSA poster boy these days. But I'll have to say that their day jobs...or 7 minutes in the spotlight...weren't exactly what entertained me.

It was the alcohol consumption! It gets me every time. You see - I figure that if a knowing adult makes the conscious decision to partake of something that is going to alter their persona and decision making abilities then I'm going to have myself a good 'ol time. (Perhaps this is where the cracks lie in my foundation...)

Brock and I first made conversation with the pair as I yelled over at them to not tell me who got kicked off of American Idol cause I hadn't seen it yet. Then we started talking about our favorites etc. etc. I of course gave my shout outs for David Archuletta (and yes I have the total younger hunger for that boy. I'll write him his whole mission if he asks me to. I've waited this long for love...I can wait a few more years. No prob!) They quickly responded negatively with, "Oh you like that Mormon boy?!" Oh and you know I jumped on that right away with a "yeah man - that kids so cool he makes me even want to check out that crazy church!" (And some of you try to say you can't find any missionary opportunities. Shame on you! - Come on now...every member a missionary!)

Well, we kept on with the chit chat with our new friends- and then... - I'll have to even admit myself that I just may have taken it to the "next level" (perhaps it's this 'next level' that always makes it so I have to end up apologizing to someone that's a bit sensitive. Oh well...some of us must be compelled to be humble right?!) ...Well good 'ol Greggy was thinking Brock was pretty cute and all I did was crack a joke here or there with Brock being the butt of it. I know, kind of rude. After all - it was Brock that was taking me to the fun concert and this is how I was repaying him? Well all I gotta say to that is this: Brock knows me pretty well, and he was nice enough to let me have my fun. And had Greg not been under such an influence of liquids than perhaps my jokes couldn't have gone on as long as they did. Yep...they lasted all night. And I was gigglin' all night to myself. Mostly cause Brock is just too sincerely nice to 1) tell me to shut my big mouth and 2) to let on to his admirer that he is actually very much straight.

Anyways, I have to tell you that I had a great time. Our new friends were hilarious and made it all the more fun. Kate Nash was amazing and I feel like I was close enough to have considered myself in my made up version of the VIP area (cause that is where I belong!!!) Brock was a blast and more than a good sport. Thanks for taking one for the team Brock...oh wait...what team are you on...have we established that yet?

Just kidding Brock...X to the O baby! Thanks for the fun night!