2% Disability...we've all got it

Uh-oh...I think it came back! I thought I'd rid myself of it years ago. I mean I had a few relapses...embarrassing relapses on my mission (don't even ask me why the relapse would ever take place in a church environment...it proves my lack of control) that I confided to my mother about - but I thought I prayed it away! It's nothing that I've ever meant to do - it's always been by totally unexplainable eye wandering psychosis. Something I have no control over...a total disability. Some people were blessed to have A.D.D., or Dyslexia, or even Turrets for that matter....but my 2% is worse...way worse!

Let me tell you about the whole 2% thing. Back in college I had a roommate that had an interesting theory. Her theory claimed that all of us somewhere deep inside held a 2% dose of something a little extra special. Some hide it better than others, whereas some of us allow that common thread between us all to be seen and admired by the world. We are all a little mentally challenged...and I have to say I agree. I've seen my own 2% alter in form...from one oddity to another.

Now hold on - hold on. We all know that I'm far from being politically correct in my conversation, and I know that ignorance is no excuse. But how about instead of ignorance we just call my lack of correctness just a plain inability to break old habits. So don't go getting all offended if I say we are all a little 'retarded' in our own ways. I'll prove to you it's true. Oh so embarrassingly true...

Long ago...(LONG AGO - I've rid myself of it!) I had this sort of odd fascination. Actually a disgusting intrigument of sorts, perhaps even more like a curiosity. In fact, if I were a cat...I'd be 'killed' by now.

I think it started back in high school my junior year when I was on the water polo team. Obviously I never even entered the water once while part of the team - in fact all I had to do was be sure to bring an occasional Snickers Bar to Coach Dickman and my A+ in the class was a guarantee. (Ohh it was so easy to be persuasive back in those days!) I only picked Water Polo because I was forced to take yet another year of P.E. after my previous 2 years on the cross country team. And by that point I had already traveled to Hawaii with the Cross Country team and was pretty much over hiding out during every practice. So my best friend Tiffany wanted to swim, and I happily skipped along following her. I was committed to being her personal trainer and even let the team know I'd be wiling to take a few more athletes under my tutelage.

This was all before I realized the attire of the athletes...I mean the BOY athletes. Speedos? Sick - Nasty - Repulsive...all come to mind. I could hardly walk into the pool area without a baby bit of vomit rising in my throat. I made sure to keep good eye contact and never look down. I didn't look below the neck...EVER!

I think this is where my 2% retardation began to evolve. I have since created a monster. As much as I abhor any outlining of any packaging...I always find myself staring in this general direction. What is wrong with me? I despise mesh shorts, I want to vomit if a boy wears sweat pants in front of me, and as for tighty-whities....let's just say clingage isn't my thing. But it's not like I was ever doing this out of perversion or having any inappropriate thoughts...but it's as if a boys pants were made of the strongest magnet material that my eyes just couldn't resist taking a peek.

And then if I got caught....ohh now that was embarrassing. I'm talking to someone and all of a sudden realize that I'm actually the one that has lost the eye contact and have drifted elsewhere to some unmentionables. Then it's like this panic attack (goes along with the 2% theory) brings me back to reality and I have to immediately conjure up an escape plan. A few examples...

-Look further down and pretend my shoe needs some adjusting....
-Continue scanning everywhere else in front of me acting as if rapid eye movement is just a sort of 'tick' I've acquired.
-Exclaim, "XYZ!" and feel relieved that there actually was cause for me to be looking down south.

So all in all, I just want you all to realize that yes we are all in fact a little out of the ordinary. And it's not always just because us Mormons are supposed to be a "peculiar people"! But have faith my little disabled ones...I've overcome mine and you can too!