Beggars can't be Choosers...Crap!

Yeah Yeah... I get it. Mammie says I shouldn't be so dang picky. But for crying out loud if they gross me out than what in the world am I to do? Should I let them kiss me even though the thought of it makes me want to vomit? Or should I let them think they are my freaking dream come true? I just can't...I have NO ability to fake feelings. I will admit it's perhaps one of my greatest downfalls. I mean you'd think that I - the girl who won't even think twice about making herself a complete fool dancing for total strangers in China - wouldn't really have an issue with stroking a few feathers just to make a boy feel good. But I tell ya...I just can't do it. If I do that then they'll think they have permission to get up to bat and I'll just have to strike them out even further. So really...my honesty is to save their own pride...right? Well...there have been quite a few who have stepped up to the plate regardless of my apparently not so obvious warnings. Bless their hearts...

So...the other day, a boy I had gone out with once while I relived the Provo scene last year, called me. We'll call him...ummm...how about Jesse?! ( I always had a huge crush on Uncle Jesse!) So Jesse calls me to tell me he's going to be coming into town and do I want to hang out. Obviously being the great hostess that I am, I welcomed the visit.
Now here's a problem with me. I'm RETARDED! when it comes to ever knowing if a boy is interested in me or not. I just always assume we're all friends...yeah they don't always assume the same! You'd think I'd be a little better at it having 7 brothers myself. But actually all those brothers might have been to my detriment. I grew up hearing all the behind the scenes drama: a girl would think she'd found love and my brothers would just humor them till they were onto the next flavor. (Admit it that's kind of how the 'other' sex operates...especially pre-mish. Or you freaking hope it was only pre-mish!!! But I'll have to say these days it's these gnarley girls that are getting a little taste test of anything and everything. Geez aggressive girls...go knit a quilt or something would you?! ) So basically my brothers instilled within me the established expectation of no expectations!

I guess you can say I was sort of excited to see 'ol Jesse. We at least had intelligent conversation when we were together last, and I thought it'd be nice to have a little more. So - Jesse makes his way to my mom's house to pick me up. I just tell him to honk when he's there. So out of the house I walk, and he gets out of his car to give me a nice hello hug. (Sometimes that makes me feel gay. When I go for two arms and they've only got one coming at me for a side sort of thing...yeah too much like the kiss on the cheek welcome - I always get thrown off.) I, knowing my way around the area (not because I've lived here my whole life but because of the GPS my mammie bought me a few years ago!) offer to drive.

Now, you see...this already is a stretch for me. I hate to drive! Despise it! But I was trying to be on my best behavior. My mammie had already given me a lecture about me being nice on this sort of hang out/date thing. Sad that she has to lecture me right? Actually I would call it more annoying than sad. It's not that I'm ever intentionally mean or anything...honest. It's just that if I actually catch a whiff that they are feeling pretty confident with me and will maybe make a move...I help turn them off real quick. I don't even know when I'm doing it, it's just my natural reaction when someone jumps to the next page even before I've established I'm at all interested.
Back to Jesse. He leaves his car at my moms and we go. We drive to a nice restaurant and the conversation is good. It even gets a little spicy, ok yeah, I can handle that. And then... what to do after... I hate this part. I don't like to entertain someone that needs entertaining. Not that he was that way, but I was getting kind of tired (I'm off Provo time - I go to bed a whole lot earlier these days). So I offer for him to come over to my house...cause what in the world else were we going to do? He readily accepts the invite and we go over there.

He decides that we should watch a movie. I got a little queasy. Why? Well the fact is, I LOVE to watch movies. I'll even admit that I could do it all day long and believe me I have! I mean, nothings better than watching a movie and coozie-ing up under a blanket. However I'd rather be all alone under that blanket than with someone I wasn't interested in. See my tummy tumbles at the hidden meaning behind most boys invitation to watch a movie late at night. So immediately my guard goes up when Jesse offers this suggestion. I just haven't established if I even like the guy, pretty sure I'm not going to, and finally kind of realized that I think he's actually flirting with me. Poor guy didn't have a chance from then on out.

Again, remembering my mammie's advice to 'be nice to him' I, instead of sitting on a totally separate chair, sit on the same couch as him...although there was enough space between the two of us for at least 3 other people. Now, you know when you are watching a movie with someone you like and it's at that real fresh stage, and you don't have a clue what the dang movie is about cause all your concentrating on is how to get a little closer to that boy? Well - let's just say I bet he can't even recall the name of the movie he picked out (his only criteria was the longer the better...oh shiz). Ohh but I was very attentive for the first little bit...and then I realized he had an agenda.

I don't think I really noticed it at first. He got up to use the restroom and when he came back there was only room for one other person to sit in between us. And there was no room for me to scooch over anymore, as I was already hugged up against the side with my hands tucked under my legs. (I wasn't about to let that little trickster grab a hand when I least expected it. No no - I now know better!) Well, I tell myself to mellow out and to just keep watching the movie. And then I hear the nonchalant statement, "I'm just going to give myself some of that blanket." I respond immediately with, "Oh are you cold? Do you want me to turn the heat up?" (And yes! I had already offered him his OWN blanket.) Before I knew it he was right smack dab next to me...pleased with his suaveness (or at least what he thought was suaveness...I have a whole other definition!).

By now I was on to his shananigans. I was being quite cautious in my every move. Then all of sudden, Mr. Smooth lays on my lap muttering some excuse as to why he felt the need. I'm just thinking, "Crap! Are you kidding me. I don't want to get all coozied up to you because then you'll take it as permission to pick up the pace." I know I'm a jerk and will probably never get married...but I can't freaking help it! I'm almost embarrassed for the guy wondering if this is his M.O. with all the ladies. He could use a tip or two.

Well pretty soon I, after holding it as long as I could, had to go to the bathroom. I took as long as I could without leaving the opportunity for him to ask, "Are you ok?" I was contemplating if I should sit on the other chair when I went back in. And then I decided...no - "be nice to him" ever ringing in my ears. I could put off any further attempts at romance for another hour+...and then I could take him back to his car. I walk back in to my where I was sitting and lo and behold that little punk is laying on my couch and patting to the space right in front of him for me to occupy. SPOON?! are you for reals??? With the short span of not even two seconds as I walk over there, I am so shocked that I can't even figure out what to say that would allow me to sit on the chair by myself. All of a sudden I find myself fake laughing (which is also hard for me to do...and very obvious...or so I thought) and trying to position myself so there is not a chance our heads are even near each other.

Still at this point I'm not assuming he's going to take it any further and try to kiss me. I mean he has to have some form of reality hit him right? I think not - his dream world was a little to cushy for him and he wasn't about to leave it. By this time I don't have a clue what's going on with the movie cause all my focus is on the shady sneak. And next thing you know, his arm is around me, I can freaking hear him breathing on my neck (and I hope that was just coincidence because if that was a 'move'... I just can't even comment on that.), and his leg is wandering all over my leg! Finally!...it hit me, "This guys going to freaking try to kiss me! Are you kidding me? Is he blind, deaf, and dumb? Even if I did like him - it's a freaking second date. I'm a little past too old to just make out with who cares what. Wait...he's a little more past too old to be doing/expecting this! I'm going to be single the rest of my life cause every stinking boy grosses me out!!!" If I didn't do something right then things were going to happen and no doubt I'd crush his ego. So I hit my internal snooze button and put my acting skills to their greatest test.

I was out, as far as he was concerned. Although it kind of creeped me out even more when I realized his curious hands weren't going to rest...asleep or not! This guy is feeling my back, my leg, holding my hand, and he even did a not so accidental bootie graze. At that point I threw in a nice big twitch that altered my position a bit. I felt him look over my face to see if I had woken up but I kept my eyes shut like they were super glued. I'm thinking, "What is wrong with boys. I swear I will re-virginize my lips and never kiss again if it incorporates it being late at night with a movie on. How about try something new kids - that ones been way overplayed!" Finally Jesse nods off to sleep a bit. I was wide awake waiting for the longest movie ever to be over.

Not a second too soon the movie ends and the white noise of the tv comes on. I know that woke him up, but he was apparently too comfortable to move. And by the way, it's like 1am at this point and not only do I have to drive him to his car (kill me now!) but then he has to drive like another hour and a half to his destination. Well I was not about to lighten his load and let him sleep on my couch...cause I know what happens to courage in the wee hours of the morning! So to not add to any ability for him to make the personal invite himself, I stretched and rolled right off the couch while mumbling, "Wow - it's so late. I better drive you to your car."

I'll have to admit, I think I kind of refused to listen to mammie's advice of being 'nice' at this point. I'm pretty sure he was a bit discouraged and maybe even felt I had denied him of my obligation? Yeah...I was pretty much over it by then!

So needless to say, I avoided all eye contact on the way to the car, in the car, and as he left. I was probably as cold as the north pole with a great intention to be nice without getting caught in some pre-kiss gay stare! What a long night!!!

Well, as you have probably already guessed...I haven't heard from him since. I've got no issues about that. Avoiding creepy situations takes a whole lot of energy! So yeah - I'm single, have been for a while, probably will be for a long while more...and don't really know how not to choose even if I do fill the role of a beggar. Ahhh...to each his own.