Beggars can't be Choosers...Crap!

Yeah Yeah... I get it. Mammie says I shouldn't be so dang picky. But for crying out loud if they gross me out than what in the world am I to do? Should I let them kiss me even though the thought of it makes me want to vomit? Or should I let them think they are my freaking dream come true? I just can't...I have NO ability to fake feelings. I will admit it's perhaps one of my greatest downfalls. I mean you'd think that I - the girl who won't even think twice about making herself a complete fool dancing for total strangers in China - wouldn't really have an issue with stroking a few feathers just to make a boy feel good. But I tell ya...I just can't do it. If I do that then they'll think they have permission to get up to bat and I'll just have to strike them out even further. So really...my honesty is to save their own pride...right? Well...there have been quite a few who have stepped up to the plate regardless of my apparently not so obvious warnings. Bless their hearts...

So...the other day, a boy I had gone out with once while I relived the Provo scene last year, called me. We'll call him...ummm...how about Jesse?! ( I always had a huge crush on Uncle Jesse!) So Jesse calls me to tell me he's going to be coming into town and do I want to hang out. Obviously being the great hostess that I am, I welcomed the visit.
Now here's a problem with me. I'm RETARDED! when it comes to ever knowing if a boy is interested in me or not. I just always assume we're all friends...yeah they don't always assume the same! You'd think I'd be a little better at it having 7 brothers myself. But actually all those brothers might have been to my detriment. I grew up hearing all the behind the scenes drama: a girl would think she'd found love and my brothers would just humor them till they were onto the next flavor. (Admit it that's kind of how the 'other' sex operates...especially pre-mish. Or you freaking hope it was only pre-mish!!! But I'll have to say these days it's these gnarley girls that are getting a little taste test of anything and everything. Geez aggressive girls...go knit a quilt or something would you?! ) So basically my brothers instilled within me the established expectation of no expectations!

I guess you can say I was sort of excited to see 'ol Jesse. We at least had intelligent conversation when we were together last, and I thought it'd be nice to have a little more. So - Jesse makes his way to my mom's house to pick me up. I just tell him to honk when he's there. So out of the house I walk, and he gets out of his car to give me a nice hello hug. (Sometimes that makes me feel gay. When I go for two arms and they've only got one coming at me for a side sort of thing...yeah too much like the kiss on the cheek welcome - I always get thrown off.) I, knowing my way around the area (not because I've lived here my whole life but because of the GPS my mammie bought me a few years ago!) offer to drive.

Now, you see...this already is a stretch for me. I hate to drive! Despise it! But I was trying to be on my best behavior. My mammie had already given me a lecture about me being nice on this sort of hang out/date thing. Sad that she has to lecture me right? Actually I would call it more annoying than sad. It's not that I'm ever intentionally mean or anything...honest. It's just that if I actually catch a whiff that they are feeling pretty confident with me and will maybe make a move...I help turn them off real quick. I don't even know when I'm doing it, it's just my natural reaction when someone jumps to the next page even before I've established I'm at all interested.
Back to Jesse. He leaves his car at my moms and we go. We drive to a nice restaurant and the conversation is good. It even gets a little spicy, ok yeah, I can handle that. And then... what to do after... I hate this part. I don't like to entertain someone that needs entertaining. Not that he was that way, but I was getting kind of tired (I'm off Provo time - I go to bed a whole lot earlier these days). So I offer for him to come over to my house...cause what in the world else were we going to do? He readily accepts the invite and we go over there.

He decides that we should watch a movie. I got a little queasy. Why? Well the fact is, I LOVE to watch movies. I'll even admit that I could do it all day long and believe me I have! I mean, nothings better than watching a movie and coozie-ing up under a blanket. However I'd rather be all alone under that blanket than with someone I wasn't interested in. See my tummy tumbles at the hidden meaning behind most boys invitation to watch a movie late at night. So immediately my guard goes up when Jesse offers this suggestion. I just haven't established if I even like the guy, pretty sure I'm not going to, and finally kind of realized that I think he's actually flirting with me. Poor guy didn't have a chance from then on out.

Again, remembering my mammie's advice to 'be nice to him' I, instead of sitting on a totally separate chair, sit on the same couch as him...although there was enough space between the two of us for at least 3 other people. Now, you know when you are watching a movie with someone you like and it's at that real fresh stage, and you don't have a clue what the dang movie is about cause all your concentrating on is how to get a little closer to that boy? Well - let's just say I bet he can't even recall the name of the movie he picked out (his only criteria was the longer the better...oh shiz). Ohh but I was very attentive for the first little bit...and then I realized he had an agenda.

I don't think I really noticed it at first. He got up to use the restroom and when he came back there was only room for one other person to sit in between us. And there was no room for me to scooch over anymore, as I was already hugged up against the side with my hands tucked under my legs. (I wasn't about to let that little trickster grab a hand when I least expected it. No no - I now know better!) Well, I tell myself to mellow out and to just keep watching the movie. And then I hear the nonchalant statement, "I'm just going to give myself some of that blanket." I respond immediately with, "Oh are you cold? Do you want me to turn the heat up?" (And yes! I had already offered him his OWN blanket.) Before I knew it he was right smack dab next to me...pleased with his suaveness (or at least what he thought was suaveness...I have a whole other definition!).

By now I was on to his shananigans. I was being quite cautious in my every move. Then all of sudden, Mr. Smooth lays on my lap muttering some excuse as to why he felt the need. I'm just thinking, "Crap! Are you kidding me. I don't want to get all coozied up to you because then you'll take it as permission to pick up the pace." I know I'm a jerk and will probably never get married...but I can't freaking help it! I'm almost embarrassed for the guy wondering if this is his M.O. with all the ladies. He could use a tip or two.

Well pretty soon I, after holding it as long as I could, had to go to the bathroom. I took as long as I could without leaving the opportunity for him to ask, "Are you ok?" I was contemplating if I should sit on the other chair when I went back in. And then I decided...no - "be nice to him" ever ringing in my ears. I could put off any further attempts at romance for another hour+...and then I could take him back to his car. I walk back in to my where I was sitting and lo and behold that little punk is laying on my couch and patting to the space right in front of him for me to occupy. SPOON?! are you for reals??? With the short span of not even two seconds as I walk over there, I am so shocked that I can't even figure out what to say that would allow me to sit on the chair by myself. All of a sudden I find myself fake laughing (which is also hard for me to do...and very obvious...or so I thought) and trying to position myself so there is not a chance our heads are even near each other.

Still at this point I'm not assuming he's going to take it any further and try to kiss me. I mean he has to have some form of reality hit him right? I think not - his dream world was a little to cushy for him and he wasn't about to leave it. By this time I don't have a clue what's going on with the movie cause all my focus is on the shady sneak. And next thing you know, his arm is around me, I can freaking hear him breathing on my neck (and I hope that was just coincidence because if that was a 'move'... I just can't even comment on that.), and his leg is wandering all over my leg! Finally!...it hit me, "This guys going to freaking try to kiss me! Are you kidding me? Is he blind, deaf, and dumb? Even if I did like him - it's a freaking second date. I'm a little past too old to just make out with who cares what. Wait...he's a little more past too old to be doing/expecting this! I'm going to be single the rest of my life cause every stinking boy grosses me out!!!" If I didn't do something right then things were going to happen and no doubt I'd crush his ego. So I hit my internal snooze button and put my acting skills to their greatest test.

I was out, as far as he was concerned. Although it kind of creeped me out even more when I realized his curious hands weren't going to rest...asleep or not! This guy is feeling my back, my leg, holding my hand, and he even did a not so accidental bootie graze. At that point I threw in a nice big twitch that altered my position a bit. I felt him look over my face to see if I had woken up but I kept my eyes shut like they were super glued. I'm thinking, "What is wrong with boys. I swear I will re-virginize my lips and never kiss again if it incorporates it being late at night with a movie on. How about try something new kids - that ones been way overplayed!" Finally Jesse nods off to sleep a bit. I was wide awake waiting for the longest movie ever to be over.

Not a second too soon the movie ends and the white noise of the tv comes on. I know that woke him up, but he was apparently too comfortable to move. And by the way, it's like 1am at this point and not only do I have to drive him to his car (kill me now!) but then he has to drive like another hour and a half to his destination. Well I was not about to lighten his load and let him sleep on my couch...cause I know what happens to courage in the wee hours of the morning! So to not add to any ability for him to make the personal invite himself, I stretched and rolled right off the couch while mumbling, "Wow - it's so late. I better drive you to your car."

I'll have to admit, I think I kind of refused to listen to mammie's advice of being 'nice' at this point. I'm pretty sure he was a bit discouraged and maybe even felt I had denied him of my obligation? Yeah...I was pretty much over it by then!

So needless to say, I avoided all eye contact on the way to the car, in the car, and as he left. I was probably as cold as the north pole with a great intention to be nice without getting caught in some pre-kiss gay stare! What a long night!!!

Well, as you have probably already guessed...I haven't heard from him since. I've got no issues about that. Avoiding creepy situations takes a whole lot of energy! So yeah - I'm single, have been for a while, probably will be for a long while more...and don't really know how not to choose even if I do fill the role of a beggar. Ahhh...to each his own.

2% Disability...we've all got it

Uh-oh...I think it came back! I thought I'd rid myself of it years ago. I mean I had a few relapses...embarrassing relapses on my mission (don't even ask me why the relapse would ever take place in a church environment...it proves my lack of control) that I confided to my mother about - but I thought I prayed it away! It's nothing that I've ever meant to do - it's always been by totally unexplainable eye wandering psychosis. Something I have no control over...a total disability. Some people were blessed to have A.D.D., or Dyslexia, or even Turrets for that matter....but my 2% is worse...way worse!

Let me tell you about the whole 2% thing. Back in college I had a roommate that had an interesting theory. Her theory claimed that all of us somewhere deep inside held a 2% dose of something a little extra special. Some hide it better than others, whereas some of us allow that common thread between us all to be seen and admired by the world. We are all a little mentally challenged...and I have to say I agree. I've seen my own 2% alter in form...from one oddity to another.

Now hold on - hold on. We all know that I'm far from being politically correct in my conversation, and I know that ignorance is no excuse. But how about instead of ignorance we just call my lack of correctness just a plain inability to break old habits. So don't go getting all offended if I say we are all a little 'retarded' in our own ways. I'll prove to you it's true. Oh so embarrassingly true...

Long ago...(LONG AGO - I've rid myself of it!) I had this sort of odd fascination. Actually a disgusting intrigument of sorts, perhaps even more like a curiosity. In fact, if I were a cat...I'd be 'killed' by now.

I think it started back in high school my junior year when I was on the water polo team. Obviously I never even entered the water once while part of the team - in fact all I had to do was be sure to bring an occasional Snickers Bar to Coach Dickman and my A+ in the class was a guarantee. (Ohh it was so easy to be persuasive back in those days!) I only picked Water Polo because I was forced to take yet another year of P.E. after my previous 2 years on the cross country team. And by that point I had already traveled to Hawaii with the Cross Country team and was pretty much over hiding out during every practice. So my best friend Tiffany wanted to swim, and I happily skipped along following her. I was committed to being her personal trainer and even let the team know I'd be wiling to take a few more athletes under my tutelage.

This was all before I realized the attire of the athletes...I mean the BOY athletes. Speedos? Sick - Nasty - Repulsive...all come to mind. I could hardly walk into the pool area without a baby bit of vomit rising in my throat. I made sure to keep good eye contact and never look down. I didn't look below the neck...EVER!

I think this is where my 2% retardation began to evolve. I have since created a monster. As much as I abhor any outlining of any packaging...I always find myself staring in this general direction. What is wrong with me? I despise mesh shorts, I want to vomit if a boy wears sweat pants in front of me, and as for tighty-whities....let's just say clingage isn't my thing. But it's not like I was ever doing this out of perversion or having any inappropriate thoughts...but it's as if a boys pants were made of the strongest magnet material that my eyes just couldn't resist taking a peek.

And then if I got caught....ohh now that was embarrassing. I'm talking to someone and all of a sudden realize that I'm actually the one that has lost the eye contact and have drifted elsewhere to some unmentionables. Then it's like this panic attack (goes along with the 2% theory) brings me back to reality and I have to immediately conjure up an escape plan. A few examples...

-Look further down and pretend my shoe needs some adjusting....
-Continue scanning everywhere else in front of me acting as if rapid eye movement is just a sort of 'tick' I've acquired.
-Exclaim, "XYZ!" and feel relieved that there actually was cause for me to be looking down south.

So all in all, I just want you all to realize that yes we are all in fact a little out of the ordinary. And it's not always just because us Mormons are supposed to be a "peculiar people"! But have faith my little disabled ones...I've overcome mine and you can too!

So Long Hong Kong...Me Love You Long Time!!!

Our final HK meal....very authentic....CPK!!! (Oh little peawok - is it really necessary to always try to be like me?? wee wee! Love and miss you already!)

Bosom Buddies

My new coat that I made...and the stranger that wanted to be in my picture of it. I think he liked the French theme I was going for...Merci!

We fell in love over here....no no...in love with HONG KONG sillies!

How cute ( /cheesy ) is the lining I picked out for my coat. Pure Me! and I LOVE it!

The time has arrived for Gary and I to leave our home away from home. I'll have to say we are actually sort of ready for our own beds (lately I've caught him trying to snuggle up to me quite a bit during the late hours...and frankly it's starting to freak me out) and our own food. We have dreamt up what we want our moms to cook up for us upon our arrival. I'll take some meat with no 'Gee-Gee's' please (the hard things you just can't chew through that seems to be a tasty treat over here)!


We've begun to say our good-bye's to all our friends we've met. I'll have to say I hate good-bye's - I prefer see you laters. Not to mention everyone seems to try to get some action upon parting ways. It's really confusing to me, this whole kissing of the cheeks thing. What's next - they gonna cop a feel if we get closer than just being simple business acquaintances?


I haven't gotten some action in a while - I'll admit. (Umm..hello - totally by choice thank you very much! - perhaps I should tell you the stories of the boys that tried to get a little somethin' somethin' a little too early...gross me out!!!)
So when these people come in for the kill I almost loose my breath wondering if my dry spell will finally break. Are they going to go for the cheek to cheek thing or should I just add to the fun and sneak my lips on in there. I mean in all honesty a little twitterpation occurs when the guy on the opposite end is my style. But then when I start tilting my head and meeting him halfway and then realize he's actually just saying farewell his customary way - and I'm stuck in this hesitation of not knowing where to move my head...then comes a little pink to brighten up my cheeks and it's not cause I put too much makeup on this morning. Oh the Chinese way... I'll sure miss it!
So please wish Gary and I luck as we try to make our way flawlessly through customs. Wigs, bags, meds, clothes, shoes, DVD's, and all the other crap we collected....8 suitcases to be exact! Maybe if I do the whole prego thing again, or break a leg, or hhhmmm...what else could help us out? Obviously I haven't learned much...

Ching Ching Chong
We've been here long,
But now we'll say goodbye.

At first the smell
was a visit through hell,
We thought we were gunna die!

We made some clothes-
always puttin' on shows-
saw lots that we 'likey' and 'buy'

They called me fat...
don't really like that
so I'm going back to Cali. to cry...and then maybe go on a diet or something. Yeah I'll go on a diet and drop the 8lbs. the fortune teller said I should. There Mammie - that's your birthday present. I'm going to drop a few for you! NO guarantee on how long it stays off so don't ask.

I'd kiss him too!!!

I found him! I found him half way across the world in China...but it was still love at first sight. This has just gotta be Dottie Jo's brother from another mother! Dottie Jo is the little girl I'm going to one day have that has Downs! I even use to pray for her....till Mammie told me not to cause she says I don't quite know what I'm praying for! But I don't care...I want that little slice of Heaven in my home! I love you Dottie Jo (Mammie also says that's a fitting name...I say Mammie is a little rude!) and I love you too little look alike Chinese boy!

Bye Bye Shanghai!

Working to pass the time and go back to our real home in HK!
I'm telling you - they we're obsessed and Gary was drinking it up!
A bit of our shopping escapades...

So we took the advice of a few business people in the know…and I got’s to say…they DON’T know. We decided to come to Shanghai for the Asia International Textile Show in Shanghai. We made plane tickets basically overnight and were excited for the extended adventure we were about to encounter. I gotta say, we don’t die over this place. We feel so at home in HK with the dirty AC water occasionally dripping on us as we walk down the street (let me tell you that Shiz-niz smells worse than the worst case of Fish Bo!), the shopping malls that we now know better than South Coast Plaza (even if everything does in fact happen to be a repeat of the store next to it), and the MTR (where the hands are held high in an attempt to remain balanced and the whiff of the un-deodorized pits roams free). Granted, Shanghai has its own treats for us to enjoy such as the even greater inhalation of smoke (doesn’t anyone know that second-hand smoke kills) and the language barrier that stands stronger than the Great Wall of China ever did. (Oh has Gary gotten a bit irritated a time or two. No communication and an empty stomach do not rest very well with that boy.) The taxi and lack of communication started getting old real fast. The fun of hailing down a taxi lost it’s excitement after standing out in the cold (Yes it was pure winter in Shanghai) for 15 minutes. Then when we’d finally get in and show them the address of our hotel they’d talk back to us as if we understood their mother language fluently. Today, for example we finally hailed a cab and showed him the address. He immediately began pointing out that he wasn’t interested in going that way. Gary, acknowledging my rising irritation as I gritted my teeth and shot daggers at him through my eyes jumped in. After my defiant mumbling of, “I’m not getting out of this cab! Say whatever ching-chong stuff you want – but I’m not leaving so drive the car!” Gary displayed his negotiating skills and threw him a Benjamin (don’t worry…only like 15 bucks here…) and told the guy to get going. Apparently the green stuff speaks to all languages. One dolla to make me holla!!!

Unfortunately, or rather this time we’ll say fortunately – our stay here is very short. I mean I tried hard to fit in here. Once in the creepiest mall we’ve thus far been to, I tried to apply some of the culture I’ve taken in.
You see – here…especially in Mainland China – there is a lot of loogie spitting going on. Outside, inside, men, and even the dainty women cough up anywhere and everywhere! They are all hawking up the deepest gurgliest loogies they can muster and believe me that they don’t try to spit it out behind closed doors. I had to dodge a few flying spit wads while in Shanghai. So at this nasty mall I tried to gather a bit of saliva and toss it out like a Chinese pro. It just made me feel bad. If the floors weren’t already 2-inches thick with community dribble I would have cleaned mine up.
We will be going home to HK tonight. I’m sure our opinions would vary if we were able to take it in a little better and even see a sight or two. But we went to the show – shopped a bit – and worked. But the Chinese have come through as we’ve learned to expect and they served us well as we lounged/worked in their lobby the rest of our day.