We're going to turn somethin real UGLY (#'s) into something REAL nice for everyone!

So it's soon to be the eve of my birth.
What to you -will the celebrate be worth?
An iPod, a Date, or maybe the surprise "goodie" bag
will be enough to entice you not to lag

Entries will be taken and posted here
Please submit them via-email and then soon they'll appear.
For all to view, giggle, and commenorate
on what's come of my leaving the age of 28!~

That's right...it's true another year single is about to be through
But this August 8th - ain't going to hear no 'boo-hoos'
cause I ain't scared of loosing my eggs
they're going to live long and prosper till they meet up with the ones from daddy's little head.

So help me turn this nightmare of numbers into an actual joyous occasion
I'm opening up my life for your personl invasion
to dig down deep and call on your gangster soul
(caue you know we all gots a little choc. chip in our blood. As a treat to me on this 29th birthday of mine...dig deep and use it in my behalf!)
join 'Tristen Ure's turning 29 rap contest' just enroll!!!

Make it good, make it funny, roast me for all I care
but if it's boring and blah...post I will not dare!
I will pick a winner by my celebrated day
then read (preferably rap) what our peeps have got to say!

That's all a girl could ask for when she's single and reaching 30
A moment of lyrical genius that might get a little dirty
I'm giving you the chance to bring forth the ghetto you've hid
and show the world how you'd roll if mamma had borned you black like Snoops did.

It's my birthday...I'll cry if I want to...cry if I want to...cry if I want to
But pretty much I'd rather just throw down poolside with some home made raps all about me! Now that's my kind of 29th year celebration!!! Make it good cause the prizes mentioned above are going to be pretty sweet. And don't be assuming they'll be all gay cause I quit my job - I gots some money...and if don't...I know where my mama stores the goods! So get to work - I want masterpieces!!!

email submissions to; tristenure@mac.com

Mom...is that you???

Summer comes and we all get some uninvited house guests…spiders, bugs, and other nasty nuisances’. Guess what I got this year…Mama for a whole month plus!!! Ok –ok – I take it back, she was happily invited into my home. After all she housed me for 20 years and then some. How could I not graciously return the favor when she’s essentially homeless during her own homes renovations…so welcome I did!
So poor mama has had quite the past 6 months. With the moving out of the house that she lived in for 18 years, getting super sick, becoming a VIP at the emergency room, providing her usual amazing Christmas spectacular for her 12 children plus their families, buying a new home and completely gutting it, and the kicker…Prednisone – she’s had a little bit of everything thrown at her. Bless her poor little aging, and lately crotchety, heart.
I love my mama – but this woman is going crazy! Yesterday before I left to work I sat down by her on the couch…(and yes…that’s where she sleeps. She won’t take the bed – fine…have the couch) and as I’m saying goodbye she begins taking her usual meds. Then all of a sudden I hear her screech as she pulls the rubbing alcohol bottle away from her lips! Yeah – she almost took a huge swig straight from the bottle.
Ok mom – I get it - sometimes life’s a little rough and we just want to drink our sorrows away. But when I decide to finally skip the ‘words of wisdom’ and venture into the ‘darkness of drunk’ I’m going straight for the Miller’s Light thank you very much – or maybe that Absolute Vodka stuff…pretty compelling advertising right?! But really my mom is losing her mind!
The other day I was with some friends and we wanted to go hang out at someone’s house. I hesitated to offer my humble abode knowing my mom was surely manning the TV controller and most likely lounging in her unmentionables. But the group consensus was my house. So I called my mom and asked her what she was doing, and then asked her if she’d mind reading in my bedroom. After all it’s not like she doesn’t read a nice 65% of the day – so why not just a little more on a Friday night?! Quickly she retorted, “No – I’m not moving…this is my room!” Thanks mom – please…stay as long as you like!

The coolest (and by that I mean the most annoying) thing she does is try to talk to me really loudly when I’m already in the middle of a phone conversation with someone else. I don’t know if she can’t see past 2 feet in front of her to visually notice I happen to be on a phone call – or if she’s in need of some Miracle Ear cause she can’t hear that I’m in the middle of an important conversation with someone other than her – or if she just plain thinks she takes priority over everything and everyone else.

Not to mention she is totally RETARDED on the computer! I’m sorry but I can’t help but get sassy with her when she asks me the dumbest questions (all those teachers that told you no question was a stupid question hadn't yet met my mother) that I’ve previously answered 10 times already about her computer. She spent 30 minutes at 4am the other day trying to figure out why the unplugged mouse wouldn’t move. I felt the need to lecture her and ask her to try and think outside the box a little bit…then I changed and said, “No mom – this is actually inside the box…it’s just common deductive reasoning!” I asked why she didn't look by the keyboard - she never thought about the keyboard. And had she, she would have seen the wireless mouse that she herself has used multiple times while on my computer. Did I mention she likes the AC on all day when I’d prefer the heater full blast. So would my roommate Alice – but mama tells us to shut it – if we voice our complaints!
It’s even cooler when she tries to enforce a curfew and calls me asking me if I think it’s time to come home yet….Oh mama!!! I do love her, but she is a little crazy, and if the Dr. ever diagnoses her with Alzheimer’s then she’ll have an excuse…till then I can’t help wonder where her brain has gone. But I will say she keeps me laughing, is a great laundry folder, and buys me some great groceries. (Although, I asked her if she'd cook healthy for me and keep a fresh supply of veggies around so I could drop a few and she straight up said, "NO!" - what you gots to read another Harlequin Romance novel?...nah...she doesn't read that trash. If she did I would have sent her to the loony bin long ago! Wait...now that I think of it -isn't Fabio single? Hmmmm...)

**UPDATE**

So some of you may not know that amongst other surprises...my mother was diagnosed with Diabetes while in the hospital. And for some odd reason, she doesn't seem to think that a Dr.'s advice or regulations on her diet are anything she needs to listen to. I was obviously thrilled when I heard the news, and especially so when Lindsey informed me that it was yet one more thing that was "hereditary" that we could perhaps look forward to. (As if the translucent skin that reacts violently to sun wasn't enough...)
Well....last night I said my goodnights to mom after showing her what I planned on doing for next years tryouts for "So You Think You Can Dance". Then as I was saying my prayers in bed I heard a bit of a rustling and grunting out in "her room." So I jumped up to see if she needed me to get her anything or perhaps turn the AC down to freezing status instead of just really really cold. She said no she didn't need anything...and then I think I got a prompting from the 'healthy help your mom live a little longer, ghost" and knew she was up to something. So I went over and saw that she had in fact been scrambling in her little bag of goodies for her late night treats she has failed to give up.
I crossed my arms and said questioningly, "Mom...what are you eating?" And she said, "Nothing- go to bed." And then I went right over to her as I saw her hand quickly lift from her stash, filled with what seemed to be a fistful of Twizzlers. I went to take them away and she shoved her hand behind the couch pillows and laughed/whined, "leave me alone...I only have 3" And I said, "Yeah right you liar...let me see your hand then." Then we battled for the next 3 minutes until I was able to dig out far more than 3 pieces of licorice from behind the pillow.
You'd think she'd be ashamed at this point. Nope....no remorse. And then even worse when I looked into her hidden bag I saw multiple variates of other candy bars.
I was furious! I lectured, "MOM!!! Do you not think this is serious? Is there something wrong with you that makes you think this is funny? If you were to die do you know what would happen to me?"
She said, "You'd get a little money" - and I quickly retorted, "not very much - it'd be split 12 ways so I don't want it!" She said that's why she'd said 'a little.'
Then she went on and one about how she's just so hungry and what was she supposed to do. Umm...how about eat something healthy so your not increasing your diabetic risk!!! So then I negotiate away her candy bag promising I'd find her something yummy and healthy to eat right then. I got her something better than her treats, and told her that if she keeps this up I'm putting her in a home! That's right...an old ladies home where someone can regulate on her and I won't feel like the devil doing it!
Bad mama....very very bad mama!!!