Take a picture...it lasts longer

On our way to the show...
Now how cute is that "Marni" bag....fake Marni bag. Not that I have any idea at all what a Marni bag is...other than it's freaking cute!

This is what they couldn't get enough of! We didn't even realize that we sort of matched - but it was all eye's on the Gar...

My mom thinks it’s ridiculous that I think people think I’m famous. I seriously do.
I know…I know… I’m sure it has some subconscious connotation having to do with my life long fantasies that continue to keep me awake at night - of being:

*An Oscar winner – obviously in a comedic yet dramatic role…no nudity (wouldn’t that kill the Oscar! Oh shiz…now that would be some funny stuff. – Actually maybe I could do that and have Lindsey be my body double! Even funnier!) (But actually- I think the coolest role would be one where I HAD to get really really fat and eat anything and everything and then when I was done filming I got an amazing personal trainer to create a slimmed down miracle!...Linds – you could be my body double on that one too! No preparation required for you!!!!)
*Bestselling Author writing a book about my Mammie and how classic( /amazing ) she is. (I mean who wouldn’t want to read about a woman that raised 12 kids, looks like a million bucks, and called her kid a “little twat” innocently not thinking it was inappropriate.)
*The missionary that helped convert Oprah who therefore converts the world! (You should see the letter I wrote her about just that, when I was like 17! Classic!) -Or-
* A TV personality…just being me doing whatever they want me to do. (Obviously with Lindsey…as we’re kind of the perfect pair!)

(Believe me I know it all sounds pretty self absorbed. But let’s be honest – like we haven’t all thought these sorts of things. I’m just willing to publicly and proudly proclaim it!)

Sometimes I’ll just be walking along and it’s as if this group of people will just blatantly stare at me. It use to make me uncomfortable, as if perhaps I had something in my teeth (have you ever noticed I ALWAYS have to check my teeth after a meal?), or my dress was caught up in my underwear, (and yes walking back to my seat in sacrament meeting…it has happened before. Therefore I can’t leave a restroom without checking out my backside). But now I just deal with the attention. I’ll lean over and whisper to my mom, “Look Mom, I think they think I’m famous or something.” She’ll shake her head and walk on by my spectators- laughing.

WELL this time it wasn’t me they were staring at. With Gary’s new haircut…or should I say his new sick-cut…his eye poppin’ red shoes and socks paired with his ‘Gary Samuelian’ designed shorts, and his ‘make me look smart’ glasses – he was all the rage. I was literally amazed at the looks from toe to head and back again that were making spectators stop dead in their tracks. Cameras were brought out and pictures were taken. We were cracking up at it all. Not to mention we were in the surroundings of plenty of people in the fashion industry that you would assume had seen an eccentric dresser before. Yeah…I’m guessing Gary was a first for all of them. When we would go into a booth looking at their different textiles and such, we would eventually get to telling them that Gary Samuelian was in fact the actual designer of “Gary Samuelian” they would say, “Oh you look like the designer….You fashion man..yes?!” It kept us entertained all day. Although Gary will be slow to admit it, he even started posing for some candid shots that obvious passerby’s were taking. “Work! Work!” I’d whisper my support from booth to booth. That boy is a star in the making!!! Actually…he’s probably in sync with my thoughts and already feels himself a star in his own mind! Crazy that 2 narcissistic dreamers can get along so well!!!

From Brown, to Blonde, to BALD??!!

The damage has begun

Uh-ohh...cutter's remorse perhaps?

Natural beauty mark??? My favorite part of the whole experience!

What’s next from this icon of style? Or at least that’s what we’re hoping people begin wondering when they see Gary’s latest fashion faux-paw! Just as Adam Sandler made wetting one’s pants ‘Cool’ in "Billy Madison"– I really believe Gary has made Mr. Clean more than just a Halloween costume idea for those with follicle failure. It’s totally spring ’08. This kid is always ahead of the rest.

That…or he was really really tired and sad about his damaged multi-bleaching treatments and acted before he thought. You decide.
Poor Gary had such cutter’s remorse the following morning and was just sure if only he could find a tanning bed – things would improve radically. I assured him it would grow back quickly. Bald man after bald man – he would ask me to compare his hair length to theirs. I tried my hardest to conceal my giggles. Then little ‘ol Gary started getting so cold – he is now convinced of the warmth your hair brings you. But then every time he’d try to warm his head up with a beanie or something he’d cry out in pain as the material clung to his stubby head. Again, I tried to conceal the humor I found in it all. I told him he should try and get the goose bumps because whenever I get them my leg hair grows a little bit and they’re no longer smooth like butter. (Actually…they are very rarely smooth like butter…)
But the best comment of the day was when he saw a picture of that Beckham soccer guy and asked, “Why does he look so good with a shaved head?”
But I’ll have to say, I think the kid can pull off just about anything. I’m totally use to it, and am beginning to think he’s kind of hot with the new locks…or lack thereof.

You gotta watch YouTube

I'm trying to make it so you can see some of the videos on YouTube. So here's a link...we'll see if it works...
http://youtube.com/user/tristenure

Joke Gone Bad

One lie turns to another...

So I’m over explaining to the Chinese that I am in fact NOT PREGNANT! Instead of getting offended I decided to use it to my advantage. Lindsey and I were going to the final day of the International Gift show. That’s the day where you can do all the sweet talking and go home with lots and lots of free stuff. And in case you didn’t know…I love stuff! I’m a total hoarder, I will admit! My plan was to get anything and everything with a heart theme. And believe me that I did! When I go to the last day of the next show and finish off my hoarding collection of free heart stuff I’ll post a picture of my jewels.

Anyways, I think I softened a few hearts as they saw me walking the aisles in a pregnant sort of duck walking with an occasional groan as I rubbed my hand over my tummy. I mean we’re talking Oscar worthy performance here! By the end of the day I had lost Lindsey and was on my own carrying about 6 fully loaded bags. I was exhausted and was in no mood to walk my way to who knows where to find a taxi to take me home.

Well apparently a good Samaritan was feeling my pain. An organizer at the convention center noticed that I was pregnant and felt my pain as I struggled along with dragging my prized possessions. I told her I was trying to find a taxi, just little ‘ol me - all alone and 4 months along. ( I was grateful I was never asked the due date…cause my math skills aren’t as quick as my jokes!)

The kind lady insisted I follow her to a bus line that would quickly take me home. I was stoked – she brought me close to the front and told the transport organizer to keep a special eye on me. I’ll tell ya I can hardly wait to really be pregnant cause people are so nice and helpful! He soon moved me to the front of the line and wouldn’t let me carry any of my bags. I was loving life and figured I wasn’t even tricking them that badly because they were the blunt ones that just assumed I was prego. Okay so I might have exaggerated the roundness of my belly…but felt ok about my illusions. I just wanted to get home!

Now this is where the tangled web begins to get weaved, and my guilt begins to torment me. A kind gentlemen CD was at the front of the line and was very concerned of my well being. He was so kind that I was trying to sort of brush him off so I wouldn’t feel like such a jerk. He insisted upon taking all my bags and filling up an entire row of seats with them so I could keep an eye on them while traveling. And then he sat next to me and told me he was going to get off at my stop and carry them into my apartment for me. He was so incredibly nice that I didn’t get freaked out by his generosity or anything.

We talked for the entire 45 minute ride home. I spoke with him a lot about our starting of the clothing line “GarySamuelian” and come to find out he has more connections than we ever dreamed of. He was began to offer to put me in touch with the man that has taken many heard of companies from nothing to huge successes. He called and set up a meeting for me to meet with him the following day. And then…he began to ask me about my pregnancy…I started to feel uneasy.
My entire life all I’ve wanted to do is be a star and an example of a good member of the church for the world to follow. Think I’m obsessed with myself? Perhaps I am – but I don’t care cause it’s the truth. Me…Oprah…and her being brought to tears as I explain that taking the right and virtuous path makes for a better life. Her looking at my way, the Mormon way, of life as a sacrifice - while I tell her it’s actually an easier way of life. etc.etc. So with my dreams to be one of many future ‘Mormon poster gals’ I began wetting my pants with the web that was flowing out of my mouth. This is how the conversation went.

CD: “So you’re married”
Me, with my head down in embarrassment: “No”
CD: “So you’re living with him”
Me, still with my head down and my body temperature rising “No”

I didn’t know what to say next. I had just told him that I was a MORMON…and I was about to tell him the furthest thing from the truth…that I was a skanky slut!

Me: “Oopps – things didn’t work out. Oopps – made a mistake.”

I tried to move on from there ASAP. But I have no idea what he said for the next 10 minutes as I sat in shock. I started envisioning the future and how I was never going to be able to proudly tell the world that I was a virgin till marriage, and how I never fooled around with boys, etc. etc. I literally felt sick that my little joke was turning into a full blown LIE!!! JOKE GONE BAD…REALLY BAD! Not only did I not want the world to believe this lie – I didn’t want this kind man to think this.

He ends up paying for a taxi for us to go the rest of the way to my apartment and insists on carrying all of my HEAVY bags. I can hardly speak I’m feeling like such a loose loser and total liar. I had invited him inside to see some of the samples Gary and I have been working on to see what he thought. I knew my mom and Lindsey were going to be inside and was freaking out if my lie was exposed. So I walked in and as I was introducing CD while my back was turned towards him – I was motioning for no one to say anything at all. Thankfully my family knows me well enough to know I had probably conned my way into some sort of situation and to follow my directions. I was real worried with my mom though…she’s a little senile in that department!

When CD left I sprawled over my mom and spewed to her all of the guilt that was overwhelming my conscious. That night I prayed and prayed for an opportunity to tell him the truth and not ruin this amazing connection that I had found. I questioned if I should say I was a surrogate mother and I was too embarrassed to say that I was doing it because I needed to money so I lied to him (I saw that scenario on an episode of “Army Wives”) - but then that was just going to end up in another lie that lasted at least another 5 months. I thought about many many ways to save face and still end up not being in possession of a baby.

And then I decided I just needed to come completely clean. Even if he hated me. So in the morning when he picked Gary and I up, (after he asked if I ate enough breakfast to feed my baby too) I told Heavenly Father I was going to come clean if He gave me the opportunity and prompting.

We sat in our meeting about to meet Harry…the connection of all connections!...and I realized I had better say it NOW or I was about to be introduced to Harry as a young single pregnant gal etc. So I said, “CD there’s something I have to tell you.” Gary kicked me very hard under the table to shut me up cause I was about to ruin everything. Later he said he was “crapping his pants” - I turned to Gary and said, “I have to.” Then I proceeded in complete embarrassment to tell him I lied to him. I started out telling him I’m a bit of a joker…and sometimes those jokes turn on me.

Oh you should have seen his face when I said, “I’m not pregnant” – I think it was a bit of a worried shock look. After about 10 minutes of my groveling for his forgiveness I was relieved to see he found great humor in it all. I told him I was so concerned that I wasn’t representing myself as a good Mormon, because I try really hard to be a good Mormon. (I know I know…I’m kind of an obnoxious representative for the church – but all in good fun!) I made him give me a good solid hug to confirm his looking past it. Although he did say if there was anything else I needed to get off my chest I could go ahead and tell him.

It ended up being a great day and we are thrilled that we have found a company to begin our production with. We were invited upstairs with all the big wigs for a private lunch, and next week we’ll be guests at their company party. Not to mention these men are amazing. They give millions and millions to charities they have created for the less fortunate. CD was even telling me how he does a ton of stuff with that lady that has the “Harpo” company….UMMM – you mean Oprah Winfrey?? So needless to say our hard work is paying off and the blessings seem to be endless. Prayers are answered!!!

American Chinese Celebrities

After our long day!
One of our many fans!!!

So we had some visitors…and what fun we had! Lindsey, Baby, Mammie, and even for a few days Micah came to HK. We were super busy during their stay but had a chance to go with them to China for some major bargaining one day and met up with them another time after we looked at some factories in China. The first day was a little exhausting for my poor mother because we looked at 5 million bags for 10 million hours and then walked away because they weren’t in the mood for our bargaining shenanigans…their loss I say!

Day 2 in Lo Wu, China was a little more exciting. Now I am the first to admit that I am obnoxious. And the even bigger problem is that with either Lindsey, Seth, Katie, Gary, or Britni egging me on…I’m like 10 times more irritating. But what can a girl do when they plead and beg. Mammie taught us not to have to be begged to entertain (She just might regret this these days…) It always ends up me looking the fool. No wonder I’m single~! Although I will have to say that even though I know how to get these guys giggling – Lindsey out funnies me times like a million. That girl and her dance moves…un-freaking-real! You gotta look at some of these videos I’m putting on YouTube. I don’t know how to edit them down on a PC so enjoy what you want. And wait till you see our Family Feud taping. First of all we should be called the double chin family…Apparently our theme was “double chin…URE in” - we could all use to drop a few. But you will DIE when you see Lindsey’s shotgun dance moves.

Anyways, back to China and as Twista predicts, “celebrity overnight” status. My senile mother chose to get lost like 15 different times that day- Starting off within 10 minutes of entering the mall. I’m frustrated thinking she’s being taken away and sold off and Lindsey is busy finding the gadget that we will have to describe as a definite P.F.! Lindsey had discovered our own personal voice amplifier. Of all people that do not need that – it’s gotta be us! But we were loving them. We felt like Janet Jackson on the Rhythm Nation music video – and we decided to do a bit of performing. Well…actually the made me do most of the performing. Ahh – what do I care…sure I’ll look demented and ridiculous for a good laugh from my family. So all of a sudden after I warmed up with a little bit of Mariah it was announced that I’d re-perform my audition for American Idol. That was show 1…

Show 2…3rd floor and a huge crowd gathering. I was SOOO out of breath at this point. And the stingy spectators wouldn’t even show their support with a penny or two. I’ve really gained a lot of respect for those hard working street performers! It’s rough out there. Lindsey jumped in with her rendition of a little Whitney…and the two sisters worked the crowd together. By the end of it Lindsey had totally and completely wet her pants and neither of us could finish our songs because we were panting so hard. Show 2 brought us a lot of success…we found Mammie on the floor below!

So to make her proud of her two sweethearts…Lindsey said I HAD to perform for yet a 3rd repeat show. Half of our previous crowd followed us and more were shoving to the front. I don’t have a video of this one, Lindsey does on her camera. It’s classic! Mostly because a store owner called the cops on us and I had to try and escape them. But as I tried to blend in the crowd, my fans wanted me to continue performing. Everyone had their cameras and video phones out documenting the crazy Americans. I eventually escaped the policemen following me. My mother was dying and so embarrassed!

Then the rest of the day we had people stop us and ask to take pictures, I even had a few date offers! Ohh celebrity status is what I was made for but it’s no easy task. I mean, I totally feel for Britni Spears. It’s hard to live a normal life with people watching every move. I noticed it was a little more difficult bargaining with the locals because they just assumed someone with my status would have more money than I was offering. Stardom is just a whole lot of give and take!

It was a blast with the family in China – I don’t think we ever stopped laughing. They are truly my bestest best friends. I’ll miss them when they’re gone. Gary and I will keep things alive I’m sure.

Make me Beautiful...or do what you want ...I guess!

Wow??? Gary you have more style then I thought. That yellow is totally Fall of '92. Way to bring it back!


Spa chairs where the magic happens

After he fixed to his more posh look (spice girls- bringing that back too? After all they are having a reunion)

Just the three of us meshing into their culture....at Outback?

Chic Reflection gary says...

Causeway...one of my PF's for sure!



After a full day of work and fittings etc. etc. we decided to take a trip back to China at like 6pm. I was going to go by myself to check out the spa our friend told us about. Gary was exhausted but I told him it would be nothing but pure bliss for him. So off we went. I need to tell you a little about this 'Sauna Carnival' that we went to. First of all we heard it was 5 Star! Umm...that would be what I call a miscommunication - because it was far from a 5! However, I let the ghetto run wild within me and felt right at home. We walked in, actually I skipped in - and we struck a pose as we told them all, "We're ready!" Keep in mind that no one there spoke a lick of English. And I'm assuming they don't play charades very often either because the language barrier was at an all time high! But it only made us laugh harder. So they took us each into separate locker areas. For me, I was brought into what I would describe as a bath house. A lady showed me to my locker and motioned for me to take off all my clothes. Somewhat surprised I asked (with motions included), "Right here?" and she nodded her head. And then in my shyest voice I said, "I'm embarrassed." So she held up the towel and I told her to no peeking!! Then I was told to go shower...thank heavens I was given flip flops to wear. I came out with my hair unwashed, and they sent me back in to do it right! I was busting up the whole time because umm...what the heck was going on? and where in the world was Gary.

Well - Gary was upstairs in the lounge area having a panic attack searching for me. He hadn't showered because he got freaked out when they told him to strip and put on the pajamas they give to you. He just started saying, "Where's my friend? Does anyone speak English? I want my friend!" Eventually a man that spoke English left his massage and helped him out and they sent for me. I told Gary to not be scared and that he needed to go shower to begin our evening of bliss! We were both dying the entire time. As we sat in our lounge area, each la-z-boy type chair was accompanied with it's own television...might I add they even had 2 English speaking channels! So first we ordered a foot massage and a hair massage. It was a little slice of heaven! Except when she'd start rubbing my face.
You see I had this great idea the other day. I heard that Retin-A is a great anti-aging treatment. But knowing that I have no health insurance (which kills my mother...but a gal in her hobby phase is forced to live dangerously!!!) it looked as if I was bound to keep my youthful glow all on my own for the next while. ...Hong Kong to the rescue - I found some of that med. super cheap. So I bought it (a generic kind - but I checked it all out and it's totally identical. So 'Debbie Downer' don't reply with all your cautions!) and started the process to looking my age ( I know it doesn't make much sense but I'm all into preventative action!). Now for anyone that knows anything about Retin-A...it freaking kills! My face is peeling (now I know not to put it under my eyes and nose)and is super sensitive.

After those massages we decided to go get a 90 minute body massage in one room together. Gary says he's never sharing a room with me again because I was either laughing, telling her softer (the word softer must sound like the phrase 'push as hard as you freaking can!'), or moaning cause she was hurting me. It really should be me not wanting to share a room with him again. After all, he's the one that thought it would be hysterical to pull down my pants as I was changing my top. The ladies thought it was a great show! Why did I have to change my top???
Well in case you didn't know I have to go to the bathroom like every 5 minutes (that really bites when China is full of standing/spread your legs urinals!) So I had to tell my lady to stop massaging for a sec. while I went to the 'toilet' ( and yes, I did have to play a little charades for her full comprehension!...Gary added in his interpretation as well.) I made my way down the hall and realized -as I was flushing the toilet and there was a slight pull on my top- that I had forgotten to tie the wrap around belt on my top -so therefore it was resting in the nasty toilet! I went back inside and said once again in my shy voice, "Your gonna be mad at me...I need a new top - this one has pottie on it now." Somehow I was blessed with the gift of tongues with that last phrase cause she understood what I meant right away. The ladies were hysterical, as were we while watching them be hysterical...in Chinese. So my lady went and got me a new top, meanwhile I drank some water and spit (never in my life has that happened!) it all over the glass wall due to a very inappropriate/hilarious comment by Gary. Gary then pantsed me, I yelped and pulled up my pants while trying to cover my chest. What a sight I tell you. And our China gals were loving every second of it. For the next hour they proceeded to try to convince me to meet their Hong Kong friend who likes well stacked women. She was comparing our tiggs in size, and pointing to the white towel and telling me my skin was whiter than that. Oh and did I mention that she was hurting me SOO bad that I finally asked her just to tickle my back?! And she kept trying to tickle my rear...granted they were pretty funny but I had to reprimand her a few times. I swear we didn't point to the exotic massage! We've decided we'll skip that treatment next time.

After that, Gary decided he'd test out the theory of blonds actually having more fun. With NO English translation (I'll admit we had fun teaching them some English) Gary pointed to a picture and said go to work. And work they did! After 5 doses of pure bleach Gary was as yellow as a bowl full of mustard. He was freaking and I was gaining increasing pleasure from the sense of revenge it was giving me. He was looking like an angry Asian villain that you see in the movies. They weren't about to put a color on top as they had mentioned to us at the beginning. They said just wait a month and then he could do that. Hello? Do they not know Gary is about to release his first collection and yellow does NOT go with it?!!!

Then Blondie and I did a little sauna, steam room, milk bath thing on our individual sides. After that we went back for one more foot rub and 'ear picking'. I'm proud to say that my hygiene (AS ALWAYS) was in perfect form and not a thing was found. Nor for Blondie (or should I be calling him Yellow-ey?). I'll have to say that was my favorite part. Sounds kind of gross I know - but that's where the true bliss is! We decided to finally go home after about 9 hours of VIP treatment under $200 USD for each. Now that is what I call learning how to live like a celebrity - or even royalty!!! Today Gary went to an Aveda salon and toned down the YELLOW for a little more of a gray/silver look. He's loving his new style. We later met up with his good friend Kenneth who lives here and who also sports the white locks. I wanted to look a little special for Kenny as well so I brought out my beauty with a home made beauty mark. We ate at Outback Steakhouse which we feel is our home away from home, and now are about to retire with new looks and fully tummy's!

Don't push me...push a push pop -you brat!

Apparently Gary has forgotten that I'm a lady! He seems to think I'm one of his brothers or something! So we were leaving our apartment the other day and occasionally I think it's funny to ding dong ditch a few doors on my way to the elevator. I especially think it's funny if I'm in front of Gary and he has to then run super fast to not get caught for my tricks.

Well earlier today he was being a punk to me (cause he didn't take his Adderall!) and so I decided to play the tricks on him. One, two, three doors and I was sprinting as fast as I could for a fourth before hitting the elevator. I can't seem to run as fast as I did in Cross Country (ohh wait...scratch that - I NEVER ran fast in CC.) because I was almost wetting my pants I was laughing so hard. But all of a sudden it's as if Superman with all of his Super strength pushed me and I went flying. The next thing I know I'm literally sliding 10 feet on the carpeted ground...AND IT HURT REAL BAD! Off Gary goes laughing hysterically and trying to reach the elevator as fast as he can so only I get caught by our neighbors.

I hear 3 separate doors open and they all start talking Chinese to each other and then there's me - lying spread out and face down on the nasty floor. With my head still spinning at the thought that Gary just actually pushed me as hard as he could, I quietly said, "Sorry I got pushed into your doors" and I got up and limped to the elevator. Once in the elevator, Gary is jumping around like a laughing hyena and trying to shut the doors before any of the neighbors walk to the elevator. So perhaps he's going to get away with it - but I'm pretty sure they know who the white American was lying on the floor!

He attempts to apologize but can't really do it sincerely because he thought it was the funniest thing he'd ever seen. Meanwhile with my nasty rug burn I can't even put my arm straight it stings so bad. Then for the rest of the night even though I would occasionally laugh at the thought of the sight I must have been, I still couldn't fathom how I'd become an equal with Gary enough so that he could actually push me that hard.

Let's just say he's got it coming...he's got it coming!
p.s. - he said I literally slid for ten feet!!!

p.p.s. - Our favorite Hong Kong friends flew back today. We can't wait to get together with them when we go home too! Love you Angie and Lorelle!

Find me this MAN!!! I LOVE HIM

Channing Tatum....so as I've said before I'm not one to get obsessed with the stars etc. But this guy breaks all the rules for me. I just finished watching "She's the Man" on Chinese tv and I've found him. I've found the exact type of boy I want to marry. This boy is so freaking handsome, plus he acts like he thinks he's black, (this girl loves a good wigga), and even though he acts like he's kind of dumb...I'm pretty sure he's not at all!
And what really tells me that I'm in love is that usually I hate the stupid girl actresses that are my age in the movies. They bug me cause I know I could do what they do and probably even better (although Gary mentioned to me that I could play the part of Unis very well....not the role I'm thinking of) however, I like Amanda Bynes for some reason. And so I don't even mind that she got to play this role with my future lover boy.
And FYI...I've heard the rumors too and I disagree - that boy is NOT gay! And if he is, I'm going to make him question that! Channing I'll loose my 8 pounds for you baby!

Fortune or Faith?

Okay..I can take a freaking hint! So here’s the question of the day. Do I believe that the church is true…or do I believe in a crazy (possibly a little bit accurate) Chinese fortune teller? Yeah I think I’m going to stick with the whole church being true thing! So our American girlfriends were set on taking us to a fortune teller. They believe in the stuff like it’s the truest religion on earth. I was about ready to hand them a pass along card and tell them about modern day revelation, and how we were actually sent here to earth to exercise some faith etc. But they were convinced their destiny had been set and the wise Chinese could show them the way. ( Can I just mention how strong my testimony is and how GRATEFUL I am for the gospel!) First off Gary went to what seemed to possibly be a wise man. Gary didn’t like what he had to say (that Gary was going to have a bad accident when he was like 45 or something) so Gary decided he liked the guy that told my fortune and would have a second try with him. Don’t ask me why he liked my guy…I didn’t really care for what he had to say. He started off with telling me how lazy I was. And then proceeded to tell me that I was fat and had the potential to get really fat and I had better be careful. He said that if I was to loose 8 pounds that I would then have boys running after me. But to beware and stay away from two types of guys. 1) stay away from lazy guys. Two lazy people in a relationship would be a bad combo! And… 2) Stay away from the black man. I would get AIDS if I stayed with a black man! Ok – we were dying! Gary was wetting his pants and saying it could be true because I do have a special liking for my brothers – if you know what I mean… However - I seriously could not believe he said that! He had a few more things to say - and he thought he was pretty funny…as did the company I was with! I was kind of the only one not laughing too hard. But I couldn’t help from laughing ( I felt bad for laughing) when one of our friends who just got married 2 weeks ago was told she better watch out because her husband is going to get himself a girlfriend. She was tripping and totally believed him! She started freaking out later and was going to call her husband and have a talk with him. Poor husband isn’t going to know what hit him…little did he know he just married someone that’s going to follow the advice of a fortune teller rather than trust in the commitment they just made to each other. I tell ya…what a night…what a night!

Chinglish...my 2nd language/culture?!

NOTE: This blog may be a little more graphic in content than what my mother would proudly approve of. So please read with caution…and these are just my observations of some of my newfound friends. They in no way represent the Chinese as a whole. (but maybe more than a few…)

Now for the other crazy, and to us, hilarious China moments. So obviously the negotiating was by far the most entertaining thing of the day. But there were a few close seconds. Like when the gal that took us immediately off the train to her little shop that was in the deep of the huge shopping mall (that’s where the good stuff is…hidden so the cops don’t bust ‘em. - although while we were there -at one point we had to stuff everything away because of a little cop scare!) and wouldn’t let me go and try to find my massage until I bought something. 'Shop first' she said…then she would show me where the best massage was 'later'. Yeah...little did she know we actually had business to do their in China.
So while Gary was in imitation heaven – I was anticipating the amazing deal we’d heard we could get on spa treatments. We were taken to another area of the huge inside mall and shown into this very ghetto type nail salon. Gary didn’t even want to step inside – but I was telling him that of all the nasty places we’d been thus far this one was the least of our worries. For crying out loud – it was only going to be their hands on our shoulders etc. and we could deal with that! Ohh – we got a little more than that!
First of all, I ask for the strongest guy to rub my shoulders and then decide I want the next best guy to rub my feet. Gary was doing the same and they decided they were going to shave the dead skin off of Gary’s feet. I told my guy my feet were already pretty soft and I didn’t need it. But seeing that I was about to indulge in an hour long, best that I’ve ever had, foot and shoulder rub – I decided why not splurge a little more and get the calluses’ done too. So I went for it, and for all 3 treatments paid less than 15 US dollars…including tip!!! It was the best moment of my life! That was until…
I saw that on the foot razor blade that he was about to use on my feet there was someone else’s skin left in it as a little left over treat for me. I freaked and pulled my foot away yelping, “Umm…whose skin is that – I don’t want that skin! I don’t want you to do my feet anymore.” But I gotta say this Chinese man was a good salesman and he convinced me to allow him to continue. That was after he said, “Look – Missy for you I get new blade. (as he threw the old used one with nasty left overs in it, right onto the floor for anyone to step on!) All better – New razor!” I said, “Now where’s the alcohol? You gotta spray that baby with lots of alcohol – I don’t want no disease!” He sprayed multiple times, and shaved away.
Meanwhile, everyone in the store is in awe watching the two Americans that have disrupted their quiet trip to the massage salon. We were also gathering quite the group of outside spectators. I guess they have never heard two white kids moaning and groaning when it hurts too much, or when we get a little ticklish. Gary’s guys were really getting into it; they decided to paint his toenails, “Free for you! No charge!” and they even wanted to paint his chest…Gary wasn’t up for that. Now why was Gary’s shirt even off you ask? Well he was copying me as I took my sleeves down and had every Chinese bust up at me. I’m not sure if showing that much skin was offensive or just a little bolder than they are use to. All in all…that hour needs to be repeated a few more times before I head back to the old U.S. of A.!!!
After our massages we continued on with our bargaining spree. I had to make a stop to the ladies room and was a little confused as to why no one had told me that I was supposed to bring my own toilet paper! Or that I was supposed to stand above the hole in the ground and just be able to go potty like I was in the shower or something. (I don’t do that – but I know of that because Lindsey always does that! She’s the nasty sister all around!) Did the Chinese not realize that while standing above this hole in the ground I was going to have my pants still on? I just was not getting how my bathroom was going to hit the ground without hitting me and for sure drenching my pants. I stood in front of my stall perplexed with the new phenomenon, and I think the restroom helper lady thought I maybe wanted her to re-clean my floor of any previous urine ‘splashes’ or something. So…bless her heart…she took her very wet and drippy mop with a big sweet smile on her face and proceeded to re-wipe the floor of my stall. And I’m sure she had no idea of the baby throw-up that made its way up my throat as I felt the wet mop graze over my foot! That too was an UNREAL experience!
By the end of our day in China we were delirious! We were starving…as we could not find ONE thing to even snack on in China. The imitation Oreo cookies were even too disgusting to force down. We headed back to the train with our loaded bag of good deals. The train was very full at this point in the day and we got our fair share of what I like to call 'Fish-Bo'…which is short for Fish scented Body Oder! Yeah…it was a little gross. Not to mention…and I hope you don’t find this rude…but some of the Chinese we have run into leave something to be desired in the hygiene department. Again, I’m sure it’s just part of their culture or whatever – but I took a picture to show you a nice example. As you can see – the lovely lady in the blue shirt censored her face for us (I’m guessing it's because she’s maybe still debating whether or not she’s down with the extra hair growth as part of her culture). Also on our stuffed train ride home, I started realizing that I was growing quite accustomed to the tall dark and Asian men. I took a picture of a Chinese version of David Schwimmer (no he didn’t know who that was…but he was flattered when I told him in my broken Chinglish and motioned that that meant I thought he was hot). Gary says my taste has gone downhill and it’s time I get back to my USA standards. (Don’t ask me why…those standards have gotten me a whole lotta nothing - and the train guy was cute in a 'Friends' sort of way)
We were glad to finally get back to our clean hotel, and we immediately washed our hands, feet, and face and changed our clothes. (check out the picture of our dirty feet on our way home...oh wait...Gary's are cute though right?) Oh I forgot to mention that I basically wore a black mumu all day long. And it was pretty sweet that 2 separate! people asked me if I was prego! I laughed it off until I with obvious sarcasm said that “yes, I am – 3 months along already” – and they replied with only sincere congratulations! Is someone trying to tell me something??? ( NO not you mom…I hear you everyday loud and clear!!)

"Missy...You Likey, You Likey...You Buy"

Oh Me Likey…Me Likey….Me BUY!!!! You better believe that today was the day of finding better deals than you could ever dream of! Nordstrom’s half yearly has nothin’ on China! I LOVE THE REPUBLIC OF CHINA!!!
So Gary and I woke up this morning ready for our first experience in an even more foreign land…China! We could hardly wait. We have been working so stinking hard every second of every day that it was decided we needed to see about some of our businees ventures in China...and we ran into a few other things as well!
We were anxiously awaiting the phone call of our new Ca. girls that we met out here at the show. They were going to show us around etc. While waiting I made Gary look for his brand new MTR (public transportation) card that I just bought him that he accidentally misplaced. He never found it – and was irritated that I didn’t before mention it was 150 HK dollars…not USD. I figure I’ll teach that kid the value of money any way that I can. I’m sure Steve would only be too thrilled if any of the lessons actually sink in.
Well our girlfriends never called (they had a great excuses later) - and so Gary and I ventured out on our own. We got on the train to take us to the border. From the first moment we were busting up as I tried to hog my whole bench to myself and had an elderly China man reprimand me as he told me to move my legs. But I got him back as I tried to learn the words to my play list “Songs with Lyrics” that I made on my ipod. Did you know you can import the lyrics to any of your music? A great find, I will have to admit. That is THE only way I can ever learn the words to any song. On that play list I have the best of some Will.I.Am, some Sean Kingston, some Timberland, and then a few sweet ones that I can learn and sing to my little baby.
We stepped off the train and made our way to cross the border. After getting in the wrong line a few times, we found our way. We were immediately greeted by the sweetest and most naïve looking girl. We thought she was just part of the welcoming committee and wanted to make sure we had a great time shopping. Then as we proceeded to follow her to her little shop we realized we were the naïve ones. I made sure to whisper to Gary that he needed to let me make final decisions as I didn’t want to leave her shop feeling like the biggest suckers to enter China.
Then she proceeded to pull out lots and lots of brochures asking what we’d like to see in the handbag department. Now I know nothing about handbags…but Gary on the other hand is an expert. Because I have no love affair with hand bags, I was anxious to wheel and deal with the sellers. There was no risk for me because if we ended up walking away I could care less. A friend had advised me to negotiate 70% less than their offering price for any item. Well… let’s just say I took 70% to a whole new level. Oh the fun we had!!! And the thing is, after you get away with practically free stuff – the Chinese are still so incredibly nice and helpful!
Gary and I ended up getting in a routine where we played very well off each other. At first Gary felt embarrassed at my low ball askings…till he saw that they were sooo willing to accommodate me. They have warehouses upon warehouses filled with stuff just waiting to be bought. So I figured why not sell it to me?! I helped them to see my ways. And it was so fun because you can in a way be logical with them. You don’t leave feeling bad - you leave feeling like a successful business woman. Not to mention that according to Gary – these were some great looking imitations! As the Chinese called them, “AA Quality!” Only the best for the Americans!
One gal took us back to her warehouse. Back in the deep of the ghetto we made our way into the gold mine. This is where Gary laid his eyes upon the leather LV suitcase and I found a Bally bag that was pretty cute, oh and Gary saw another Gucci bag that was screaming out for him. Don’t worry that we walked away with all 3 items for a measly 660 HK dollars. That’s like fewer than 85 US dollars! That my friends…is freaking amazing! I’ll have to admit – that one took some time. But that was some time so very well spent!
You guys…I’m good….I’m very good at this. Again – I will mention I’m not a bag lady – but if you gals are out there, and you’re loyal enough to actually read this far into my blog then I have a special offer for you. If you know what you want I can see if I can find it for you out here. I’m for sure going to China again and would love to have a mission to find all ‘yall your best imitation bags yet. You just let me know – and I’ll see if I can fill your order! I seriously don’t know why people don’t just fly over here to get all their Christmas shopping done. It’s UNREAL!!!

Moth Ball soup, deodorant, detergent, toothpaste...Anyone...?

Gross right? Yeah well I'm pretty sure that "Moth Ball" scent/flavor is the staple of choice around here! Everywhere, everyone, and everything smells like a handful of mothballs was shoved up my nose. I don't mean to be rude to the culture or anything like that. In fact I'm willing to admit that I'm apparently ignorant of the fine perfume that it is. But it's enough to make me dry heave. I go anywhere and I'm trying to cough the breath I'm about to inhale out from my mouth and lungs. I'm pretty close to walking around with a Michael Jackson mask on to save my nostrils!
Onto another, and more exciting adventure...we went to the garment district and I gotta say it put New York to shame. This place was unbelievable and so incredibly organized. I was pulling samples left and right with visions of the baby blankets I'm going to make for my future 5 billion nieces and nephews. I've had mine for 28 years and still can't leave home without it so perhaps my bloodline would feel the same way about a very special one from Aunt Bella!
One thing I would do different if I were the Hong Kong fabric display peeps...is - I would for sure put all the heart fabrics together. That would be my ultimate paradise. But don't you worry -I'm out here searching for anything that calls to me! And all hearts shall find me!
Jackie Cheng (not Chang!)(guy in the pics with us) is doing some of our production and took us where we needed to go. He is awesome and has gotta think we're crazy as I tell him to close his eyes while I change in front of him as Gary alters his garments he's having his produce. I'm sure we're the highlight of his day.

Textile...Stay awhile!

So after my lovely 12 hour sleep I’m pretty sure I kicked any jet lag in the rear. I woke up happier than my mom would ever believe. And nothig could have made my morning more complete than watching Gary change literally at least 22 times….I’m NOT joking! That boy is hilarious and don’t you worry that he finally hit the mark with the perfect outfit.
Off to the convention center we went. Textiles galore…more than we could even begin to handle. I did my best to look professional as I followed ‘the designer, Gary’ along and grabbed swatches for him and his future collection. I pulled info from who knows where and acted like a pro that had been in the industry for years. Those darn Chinese just went with it. We were in our element acting very important.
On our way out of the overwhelming show we met 2 locals from Southern Ca. that were there showing some of their product. We were thrilled to have made Hong Kong buddies! They were pure California!
It is muggier than muggy. It’s as if outside we are walking with a gray cloud above us almost suffocating us. And I tell you there are some nasty smells here. And anyone that knows me is well aware of my ridiculous ability to smell all things within a ten mile radius…a curse that is resulting in a frequent gag reflex out here. So I have yet to find something that appears to be appetizing. But despite all that might sound pessimistic and negative in my reports– this is quite the place.
Oh.. but I will mention that I’m ready to sue all banks and credit card companies! They bite and there was a little Godzilla that crept out of me today in my dealings with them! Soooo annoying!

Chinese, Japanese, Dirty Knees,....

Hong Kong...here we are! Gary Samuelian and I flew into China this morning at about 7am and we have not stoped since. Now let me tell you...that was one heck of a plane flight. Obviously I traded seats and had a window with an empty seat next to me to rest my tired little legs. I was out... and apparently when I'm really out - I snore. Or so says my neighbor in the aisle seat. He said I started pushing him over with my lifted legs. I told him he should have just pushed them off of him. Poor guy!
The two of us have jumped in head first with all our clothes on into the world of chaos over here. I'm here to support/babysit Gary in his endeavors and I gotta say it's the best babysitting gig I've had in 28 years! No...this mastermind needs no babysitting but I love helping his creative juices get flowing. I feel important when he asks for my opinion that he totally disregards. It's the thought that counts!
As soon as we arrived and went through the passport checkoff thing we made our way to our Hotel kiosk. A friend of Gary's, Kaimi, is here showing us the ropes for a few days and we just meekly followed him. We were in awe. Gary was quick to mention that his, "ying and yang" is off and as soon as he gets that aligned he will be good to go. I rolled my eyes but appreciated his sincerity in adapting culturally and told him we'd better fix that issue asap!
We quickly got to business and met with some important people. Who the heck knows their names...but they were all very nice. In fact they kept paying for everything. I guess that's what they do when they want your business. A girl could get use to that I tell ya!
We met with some people for Gary to order his 'hang tag's with. It's amazing what these people can create. Gary, the thoughtful boy we all love even asked me to choose a few combinations for the sample tags we were ordering to be made. After he quickly rejected my options I told him he doesn't have to include me anymore...I'm just here to support and encourage his creative genius.
Later we went to some wholesale mall that was out of control! I've never seen anything like it. By this time I'm about to faint I'm so hungry and it doesn't make it any better when Gary has me try on a few samples and says he wished I was skinnier. In his words, "I needed you skinny like DAYS ago!" (no wonder he and Lindsey are BFF...Bratty minds think alike?!) I finally got to order some room service and told him he couldn't try to starve me for the next month...even if my mom told him to try to! So as I sat eating to heal my famished stomach he tried on some of the samples we got. How NOT fair is it that they were tighter on me than him??? What a joke! (Although I will make mention that I'm a bit more stacked than him...that should count for something right?)
At this very moment he's out finding more inspiration before we hit the textile show tomorrow morning. And I'm about to drop dead on the bed we're sharing because I can guarantee today was just a taste tester for what I'm about to experience. I must admit it's the adventure of a life time and I couldn't be doing it with anyone more fun! So everyone wish Gary luck in his road to making all his lifelong dreams come true!

p.s. don't you MAC fans worry...I'll be back there in a months time or so. They've given me maternity leave...j/k they know where I am.

CHINGLISH...my 2nd language

Yes, I am currently on my way to Hong Kong, China with Gary Samuelian. We are hoping to learn a little of their language and mix it up with a ittle of ours...and speak Chinglish for the next month or so. Why are we going you ask? Well Gary is in agreement with me that 'fashion passes. style remains' and I'm going with him to help him prove what kind of style he has to share with the world.
It's going to be the time of our life and we can hardly wait to get there. Hopefully we can blog you all some updates and let you know of our exciting adventures. We anticipate being away for the month of October...we shall see how it goes! Wish us luck and be excited for what we will hopefully come home with. ...Zai Jian